CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn:

My boyfriend and I each have one or two friends whom the other doesn't really like, and it's okay with us. However, recently, my boyfriend became friends with someone I find very offensive. This person will say things that I find racist or sexist. In addition, he drinks heavily. (I mean, he calls himself the Manimal.)

I have told my boyfriend how I feel, and he said he doesn't spend much time with him -- and that I have to get to know him before judging him, because he can be a nice person, too. Now that we're back at school, I really do not want my boyfriend hanging out with him. When he's with him, my boyfriend tends to drink more than usual. What to do?

Va.

Nothing. You've made your point. The more you try to control your boyfriend, the less you witness his free will in action. There's no more productive way to discover someone than to let him be himself. So wait, and watch.

If you don't like what you see, though, then here's an important thing not to do: blame the Manimal. Your boyfriend is fully responsible for his taste in friends and his behavior in their presence.

You, likewise, are responsible for your companionship choices -- not to be confused with a responsibility for making your companions change in order to justify your choice. Something to keep in mind if you find yourself with a Boyfriendimal on your hands.

Dear Carolyn:

My girlfriend of two years was invited to the wedding of a classmate of hers. I asked if I could attend as her date. Well, she said since the invitation didn't include me, I shouldn't go. I asked if she wouldn't mind asking the bride. She refused.

I assumed she would stay only a very short time. By midnight I finally hear from her. She proclaims that I am completely wrong and should not have made this into a big deal. My problem is that she didn't even try. And, she also was going to see two people with whom she has history. I believe I wasn't included because of them, which she denies.