By Norman Chad
Monday, September 22, 2008
This time of year, as I watch college and pro football on an endless loop Saturdays and Sundays -- Toni, a.k.a. She Could Be The One III, slips me pancakes under the door of my study for sustenance, and the kids, whose names escape me at the moment, are restricted to the southeast end of the condo -- I've noticed that the business of America is selling everything but soap to captive American males.
Couch Slouch remains America's Viewer and, thus, America's Commercial Viewer, America's Slogan Buster and America's Product Tester, which brings us to our second annual survey of the vast wasteland of ads littering televised sports:
Wendy's:"It's waaaay better than fast food." Really? Who's in the kitchen, Bobby Flay?
Pizza Hut:"Now get pasta from Pizza Hut." This might seem like a small point, but wouldn't I want to get, uh, pizza from Pizza Hut?
BlackBerry:"Life on BlackBerry." I have enough trouble with life in L.A. -- I don't need high-tech complications.
AT&T: Bill Kurtis "just found the Internet." Congratulations -- welcome to the 20th century. For his next trick, maybe he can find my career.
Cadillac Escalade Hybrid: First of all, who do you know -- still living -- who owns a Cadillac? Secondly, if you're going to be a Cadillac Man, are you going hybrid? Please. A Cadillac has no cachet being environmentally correct -- with a Caddy, you're thinking greed, not green. If you're trying to make an impression, you want the gas-guzzling, road-hogging, lust-and-power '78 Cadillac Eldorado, my friends.
Cialis:"Now for daily use." For daily use? I'll be honest with you: I've been an adult for quite a while now and I cannot recall a time in which sex was part of my daily routine.
Viagra: I am NOT a machine.
Allstate:"You're in good hands." No, I'm in therapy.
(Election-Season Column Intermission: The moment John McCain took Sarah Palin, Barack Obama should've countered with Phyllis George.)
Dodge:"The all-new Dodge Journey." I'm glad it's "all-new." I thought the engine and the cup holders might be used.
PNC:"Leading the way." Where? And with whom? Note: I have no idea what PNC is.
C2 ING:"Your future. Made easier." My past makes that impossible.
John Hancock:"The future is yours." No, it's my mortgage lender's. By the way, how come everyone is obsessing on my future?
Ford:"Drive one." I'd love to, except it's always in the shop being repaired.
Comcast:"It's Comcastic!" If we're going to make up words, I have one: "It's crockcastic!"
Citi:"Citi never sleeps." I wouldn't sleep either if I could spend somebody else's money 24-7.
Chrysler Town & Country:"Everything you want in a minivan. Everything." You know, I really don't want people eating fondue and watching TV in my minivan. Speaking of which, exactly how much TV do we need to watch? I mean, are your kids so unruly, bored and restless that if they don't see "The Suite Life of Zack & Cody" on the seven-minute drive to soccer practice, they will revolt in the back seat?
Samsung: It's the official HDTV of the NFL and Norman Esiason is the pitchman. Frankly, I'm thinking transistor radio.
Charles Schwab:"Talk to Chuck." You talk to Chuck -- I'm watching the Discovery Channel.
Coors Light: Coors Light + Brian Billick = Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Budweiser: Beechwood aging, my butt.
Bud Light Lime: Not in this lifetime.
American Express:"Are you a cardmember?" No, I'm all cash all the time, baby.
Avodart:"Shrink it." Nobody touches my prostate. Nobody.
Mac: I love Macs. They don't have a slogan because they don't need one.Ask The Slouch
Q. Were you able to recommend any therapists to Vince Young? (Dave Singleton; Milwaukee)
A. You know, someone like Tony Soprano -- he's running a mob family, it's a cutthroat business, he's responsible for whacking a couple people a week -- needs a shrink. Vince Young just needs better pass protection and a tighter spiral.
Q. With Lance Armstrong back on board, do you already have Tour de France fever? (Brian Gehr; Columbia, S.C.)
A. If you're out there listening, Lance, I have two words for you: We just don't care that much. (Okay, that's six words.) You're riding a bike, across France, in a doped-up sport, on a network nobody's ever heard of. Good luck and God speed.
Q. I am a venture capitalist with several hundred million dollars and need your opinion: In these troubled times, which is a better long-term investment, Lehman Brothers or the St. Louis Rams? (Michael Becker; St. Louis)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Is it true the Cleveland Browns didn't give Braylon Edwards a flu shot this year since there's only a 50-50 chance of him catching anything? (Ken Kula; Independence, Ohio)
A. Pay this fella, too.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail email@example.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!