Stung Badly by the Queen Bee

Q. My daughter, 11, was the well-liked president of the student council in elementary school, had many friends and many school activities and came home happy every day.

That changed toward the end of fifth grade when a girl -- her friend since kindergarten -- began to isolate her, to make subtle, hurtful comments about her and to try to turn a mutual friend against her. Although this friend stood by my daughter, the situation became so bad that several girls went to the school counselor about it, only to have the child deny the accusations, play victim, break down in tears and blame everyone else.

Things got better for a while, but now the girls are in middle school and the situation is worse than ever. My daughter's childhood friend seems intent on staking out her queen-bee status, and her two-faced behavior and lying are abominable but subtle enough to keep girls from turning against her completely, for she can be charming and sweet.

She definitely has figured it out. When my daughter tries to steer clear of her, she says that my daughter isn't friendly anymore and tells her parents and the school counselor that her classmates are mean to her. She also manipulates her parents, who are nice people, and sometimes she disrespects her mother, who seems to tolerate it.

What can -- and should -- we do to help our daughter?

A.Cliques, gossip and malicious rumors are the weapons of choice whenever girls feel scared and uncertain, and this is one of those times.

Some girls get spiteful in the second semester of second grade; still more act like that in the second half of fifth grade, and a great number of girls turn mean in middle school, unless it is run exceptionally well. If it's not, you can blame some catty behavior on the teacher for not stopping it in the classroom; some on the principal for not training her faculty to deal with bullies better; and some on hormones, which may be at the heart of the problem.

Second-graders are 7 when they get their first weak dose of hormones -- the same hormones that they'll get in puberty -- and they get a stronger dose of them in the fifth grade, when they're close to 11. The effect is greatest in middle school, however, when the flood of hormones hits all children, to varying degrees.

These hormones can affect children like a drug, which can be frightening. It can crush their self-esteem; it can create feelings they can't handle yet; and it can make them act mean to people they used to like, simply because they feel so bad about themselves.

Whatever the cause of this girl's behavior, you shouldn't let it continue, because words can hurt much more than sticks and stones, and the pain can last a lifetime.

Intervene at school by asking the teacher and the principal how you can help, but first teach your child to be more empathetic, because compassion will make it easier for her to deal with her ex-friend.

Let her moan and wail about this girl, but when she's done, ask her if the girl might be having a tough time at home.

Does she have a learning problem, which often shows up in the fifth or sixth grade? Or does she say mean things about your child because she isn't as popular? Your daughter will be more forgiving once she realizes that a person who trashes others is really just trashing herself.

Also ask your daughter if she could be doing something to make this child feel bad about herself, since bullies tend to attack the people who taunt them or the ones who don't stand up for themselves. Neither behavior is acceptable.

When this child tells your daughter that she doesn't act like her friend anymore, she should say, "You're right. I can't be your friend as long as you say hurtful things about me," and then she should walk away. This will help to break the cycle of spite, as long as your daughter doesn't gossip about the girl later or listen to the gossip of her friends.

Your daughter may also be helped by reading "Bullyville" by Francine Prose (HarperTeen, $6.99), which uses fiction to show the horror that a bully can cause, while you will profit by reading "The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander" by Barbara Coloroso (Collins Living, $13.95), "10 Days to a Bully-Proof Child" by Sherryll Kraizer (DaCapo, $14.95) and "Bully-Proofing Your Child" by Carla Garrity, Mitchell Baris and William Porter (Sopris West, $7).

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.