Gene's Blues

Dealing with an inseamly insult

I am on the phone with Erica Archambault, a jeans-products spokeswoman for Levi Strauss & Co. I have been relishing this conversation for weeks. I've boned up for it. I am asking Erica, as an authority on human morphology, if she can explain the disturbing disappearance from the planet of men who are 5-foot-10 with a medium build. Does it have something to do with global warming?

Erica: Sorry, I need to ask you to repeat that.

Me: Listen, I am 5-10, 170 pounds. But for the last two years, I have been unable to buy Levi's -- or any other mass-market jeans -- with a 31-inch inseam. Thirty-one is and has always been my size. Jeans companies have apparently stopped making them, which leads me to believe that we 5-foot-10 guys are dying out. I am wondering why. I am scared.

Erica: Oh.

Me: Meanwhile, what do I do? Should I buy 30-length jeans, which make me look like Steve Urkel?

Erica: I'd highly recommend that you not do that.

Me: Good. I don't. Instead, I buy 32s, which means that when I am going barefoot, I am walking on my heels, which means that all the leg bottoms have holes and crud stains on them, as though I am always being pursued by a vicious, filthy, little yappy dog who is nipping at my ankles.

Erica: Okay, the problem is that yours is a size that isn't as common as 30 or 32, so most stores don't stock it for sheer shelf-space issues. However, at Levi.com, there is unlimited shelf space, so we can find it for you right here online.

Me: Good. Because, otherwise, it would look as though Levi Strauss didn't care about people like me! Okay, please find my jeans online. Thirty-four waist, 31 inseam. I'll wait right here.

Erica: Okay.

Me:

Erica: Oh. My.