A Pulpit Bully

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Dear Miss Manners:

I have never been so humiliated in my life as I was at the funeral of an elderly lady who befriended me 30 years ago.

I was a single mother with no family close by, and she and her husband (who passed away several years ago) "adopted" my then-3-year-old daughter, taking her to the circus, movies and really treating her as their grandchild. We kept in touch through the years, and, when she passed away, my daughter and I attended her funeral.

We are not of her faith, and I was always taught when attending a funeral not of my religion that I should remain seated when the congregation is called upon to stand or kneel and to remain silent when the congregation is called upon to respond. I was taught this was being respectful to other people's religion.

But my daughter and I were singled out by the officiating clergy who stopped the services to ask us why we were not participating. I gave him the same explanation I just gave you, and he was livid. He accused us of not only being disrespectful to the deceased's religion, but to the deceased and her family. My daughter and I were mortified, so we participated during the remainder of the services under his watchful eye, but we left immediately afterward and did not attend the services at the cemetery.

Please let me know the proper etiquette for attending a funeral, or even a wedding, of someone not of my faith. I am in my mid-50s and my daughter is in her 30s. I have attended countless funerals, this is the first time something like this has happened, and I don't want it to happen again. If times have changed and religions have relaxed to the point of a non-parishioner being expected to participate, I need to know.

You do know what to do. It is the clergyman who knows as little about the practice of religion as he does about its meaning.

Humiliating people into participating in the practice of religions to which they do not subscribe is not what religions tend to preach. But beyond that, it trivializes the religion, suggesting that holding its beliefs is unnecessary as long as one goes through the motions.

Coincidentally, at the same time that Miss Manners received your letter, a lady of her acquaintance was being roundly chastised for exactly what your rude clergyman commanded. In the emotion of a funeral and with a predilection for ecumenism, she took Communion although not a Catholic. Her intention was exactly to show respect for the dead and his religion.

Not the right way to go about it, as a great number of people pointed out more or less vehemently, as doing so presupposes sharing all of the Catholic beliefs concerning Communion. But Miss Manners was gratified to hear that the clergy involved considered the matter with an understanding attitude that did honor to their religion.

Dear Miss Manners:

We always gave all the support we could to schoolchildren on my doorstep raising money for one cause or another, even if we tossed out the candy bars, etc. But then things started to get out of hand in our neighborhood with children pushing and fighting on neighbors' doorsteps, arguing over who had the "right" to be there.

The last straw came for me when one of our neighbor's sons asked us for a pledge of 25 cents for each book he read during a two-week period, which we agreed to. Two weeks later, he appeared to collect my pledge, claiming to have read 500 books and I owed him $125. I refused and later made a donation directly to the principal, since I had intended to support the school.

From that point on, we no longer allowed our son to participate in any fundraising unless it involved work on his part. For all other situations, we made donations. We decided to set priorities for the charities and causes we wished to give to and made contributions directly to them. It has become a budget item each month, and we have control over what and to whom we give.

Anyone appearing on our doorstep receives a polite "No thank you," which I believe is the correct response to an invitation we wish to decline. I do not explain how I make donations or to whom, or even why I choose not to donate to their cause. Just a simple "No thank you."

I hope Miss Manners does not find this too blunt.

Not at all. You were too timid.

Not in the polite response you now give, which is the correct way to decline. What appalls Miss Manners is that you previously encouraged children to believe that the way to earn money is not by doing something useful, but to beg, and you were even willing to hire a child to read.

Miss Manners is well aware that many schools encourage, even require, children to ask outright for money instead of washing cars or making cookies or lemonade to sell, and that many parents bribe their children to learn.

But as you have discovered, this does not make it right. Aside from the rudeness and dishonesty that is engendered, it teaches the child that working and studying lack intrinsic value.

Miss Manners is glad that you have learned better, realize you are not forced to support this, and are doing better by your own child.

Dear Miss Manners:

My husband and I are amicably ending our 21-year marriage and keeping a good friendship we both prize. We are wondering how we tell friends of our pending divorce. (We have already told family.)

Our reasons for divorce are complex and personal. Is there an easy "answer" to the question of why we're divorcing?

You are divorcing "by mutual consent." That is the only reason that civilized people divorce.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) atMissManners@unitedmedia.comor mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2008Judith Martin