When the Name on Everyone's Lips Is Wrong

"I don't know who George is," you might have said jovially, "but Derek here [pointing to yourself] feels very lucky to be representing him at this delightful dinner. It's a wonderful evening, and I want to thank Zoe and Zachary [this would be a good time to get their names right] for having us."

To follow this up, you should be the one to write the thank-you letter, signing it with only your first name. If this leaves the hosts asking each other who on earth Derek is, puzzling out the answer will make your proper identity stick in their minds.

Dear Miss Manners:

In my profession, I work with many elderly folks. Lord knows I love and respect them and appreciate that their business provides my livelihood, but it gets irritating to hear the same sanctimonious cliches over and over. Examples: "Well I'm -- years old and won't be around much longer" and "I'm so old I don't even buy green bananas anymore."

These are meant to elicit sympathy or attention because I already know their age.

Can you suggest a gentle rejoinder? Or should I continue to bite my tongue and say something like I've always said, "Well I hope you're gonna be around for a lot longer"? Sometimes I'm tempted to say, "Well, we're all gonna die sometime," but that seems a bit cynical.

Not really.

Well, yes, really we are all going to die sometime, Miss Manners supposes, although she, like you, prefers not to dwell on that. But it does not strike her as particularly cynical for you to generalize about the announcements that are regularly and rather tediously put before you.

It is not a smart remark you need, because there is no point in continuing the topic. What you need is patience and the ability to get in first with conversation openers of your own.

Old people are particularly noted for repeating themselves, but the fact is that nearly everyone has a set patter that is supposed to pass for wit when nothing else presents itself. Start something else, even if it is only "Was that your granddaughter I saw with you?" Or "Have you been getting Internet service today, because I'm having trouble?"

Dear Miss Manners:

Why did wedding receptions begin to require masters of ceremonies? And what exactly do they do that wasn't being done before?

They narrate the event, giving fanfare introductions, public instructions and calls for applause. Why people will pay to have a formal party with their relatives and friends turned into something between an awards ceremony and a reality-TV show, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) atMissManners@unitedmedia.comor mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2008Judith Martin