ASK AMY

DEAR AMY: I am responding to letters from people wondering how to deal with difficult family members.

For the first decade of visits with my mother-in-law, my husband and I bitterly disagreed each time whether her behavior had become "bad enough" for us to pack up and go home.

We never once left the scene of the crime early, no matter how shocking the incidents became.

A few years ago, I decided to drive separately.

The freedom to quietly excuse myself immediately each time my mother-in-law went off the rails was a huge relief.

This year, my husband apologized for trying to force me to pretend along with him that nothing is wrong. He also began to excuse himself when his mother gets started.

It may be a coincidence, but recently I find her behavior much less offensive during our visits -- it's easier to get along.

Retreating from my husband's family drama was one of the very best decisions I've made for myself in all my 39 years. -- Carrie

DEAR CARRIE: I assure you, your enforcement of basic boundaries -- and your husband's very important assent and support -- has affected your mother-in-law's behavior.

One important quality of a fully integrated, emotionally healthy adult is the ability to modulate our behavior based on the circumstances and the people we're with.

Your mother-in-law is proving that she is able to read a situation and change her behavior enough to achieve her desired result, which presumably is your presence in her home and her life.

Your story shows that something as simple as providing yourself with an escape -- your own ride home -- started the process.