Week 790: If Only!

If the atomic bomb had never been developed, that beach movie would have been called "How to Stuff a Wild Two-Piece Swimsuit."

We wouldn't have believed the following assertion had it not come from Russell Beland, late of Springfield and now of Fairfax, who has an entire shelf in his Pentagon office filled with loose-leaf binders containing clipped copies of the past 789 weeks of The Style Invitational. Russell swears that we have not done this simple contest before, one he came up with with his son Zack. This week: Explain how the world would be different had some event not occurred, as in Russell's example above.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a used Potty Elmo, a special version of the Elmo doll that, when you squeeze some body part (no, it doesn't have THAT body part), will ask for a drink, say that he has to use the potty, and discuss the achievement. Obviously, it is an excellent decoration for one's office at the Pentagon, accompaniment at shareholder meetings, etc. Potty Elmo was hand-delivered to The Washington Post's front desk by erstwhile Loser Mary Ann Henningsen of Hayward, Calif., who once appeared at the Losers' award brunch wearing a tube top fashioned from Loser magnets.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 17. Put "Week 790" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Larry Yungk. This week's Honorable Mentions headline is by Beverley Sharp.

Report From Week 786

in which we asked for captions for any of four Bob Staake cartoons:

A surprising number of people, seemingly of all ages, identified the person on top of the really big shoe as Ed Sullivan.

4. Cartoon B: "Doctor, I think you used the time machine instead of the EKG machine again." (Ed Gordon, Fort Lauderdale)

3. Cartoon B: Holding on-campus keg parties proved to be a boon for Dr. Kyle's organ theft syndicate. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

2. the winner of the Mental Block platitudinous desktop toy:

Cartoon A: "Pumpkin, the world knows you're Elastic Girl, but would it be possible, just this once, for you to go to bed like any other 6-year-old?" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

And the Winner of the Inker

Cartoon D: "There goes the Jenga world champion. They say she flushes her toilet only twice a year." (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Slightly Out of Toon: Honorable Mentions

Cartoon A: