It Isn't About the Trash Can

This kind of observation can help you prevent an argument from beginning in the first place. "It's an early-warning system. You are able to become aware sooner of the tension rising," says Christopher Montone, director of the Shambhala Meditation Center in Cleveland Park.

Kirk Warren Brown, an assistant professor of social psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, co-developed a 15-point mindful attention awareness scale (see box) and has used it to test the levels of mindfulness of college students in romantic relationships. He has conducted two studies that suggest increased mindfulness correlates with overall relationship happiness.

In the first, he found that men and women are equally likely to be mindful, and if one person in the relationship is mindful, both members of the couple can benefit.

In the second study, Brown asked longtime couples to discuss a contentious issue in the relationship while being observed in his lab. Those who scored higher on the mindfulness scale were less anxious and less hostile after having such simulated conflicts with their significant others, he found.

"Mindfulness tends to inoculate people against feeling negative thoughts in the first place. You go into the conflict with less anxiety and hostility, and mindfulness seems to prevent those symptoms from arising," Brown says.

Mutually Beneficial

Carson finds that couples who practice mindfulness together can benefit not only from the individual attentiveness skills but also from the fact that they are sharing a new experience. "The practice of mindfulness together is a way that couples feel that they are deepening their relationship."

Even if only one partner is trying, the couple still benefits, he says. "If one partner is accepting and open, it's very hard for the other partner to push against that."

To an observer it might look as if the more mindful spouse is likely to lose an argument, but Walser says: "We don't advocate that people become carpets to be walked all over. There's a difference between accepting what you feel and think and allowing someone else to always have their way." Walser notes that this increased awareness can help individuals see when their relationship is in serious distress.

"I don't think it's a cure-all, but we can say with confidence that there's an emerging literature that suggests that mindfulness can help people re-regulate their body and their behavior," says Ruth Quillian-Wolever, an assistant professor of psychiatry and the research director at the Duke Integrative Medicine practice at Duke University, who has led studies of behavior change through mindfulness.

Although Buddhist ideas are at the core of mindfulness and meditation practices, psychologists usually separate the religious aspects from the clinical practice of mindfulness. "We acknowledge the source of the training, but it's not religiously grounded. These are practical skills that are present in all wisdom and spiritual traditions," says Carson.

Christine B. Whelan teaches sociology at the University of Iowa. Her book "Marry Smart: The Intelligent Woman's Guide to True Love" will be published in December. Comments: health@washpost.com.