Chatterly U: Academia's Yarn Ball of Excellence

It's the time of year when high school seniors are applying to colleges. And that can mean only one thing: college visits, those trips eager students take with Mom and/or Dad to scope out universities. Here's a transcript of one college presentation I attended recently.

"Hello and welcome. My name is Quentin Danbury-Fforde, and I'm director of admissions here at Chatterly University. I want to say how delighted I am that you're considering our institution. Before I go any further, can I just ask for a quick show of hands: How many of you are high school seniors? Okay, good. Now, how many of you are juniors? Sophomores? High school freshmen? How many of you are infants? Parents, can you raise their hands for them? Great, thank you.

"Chatterly University has a long, distinguished history, dating from our founding in 1713 when disgruntled professors decamped from Harvard and Yale. Unhappy with their drafty accommodations in Cambridge and New Haven, they were determined to create a new type of university -- one that lived up to the motto 'Lux, tepidus et aridus': 'Light, warmth and dryness.' They settled on the forested slopes of Mount Monadnock and established what was then called the Well-Insulated Brick Learning Cabin. A generous contribution by New England twine magnate Jedediah Chatterly allowed the college to expand, and in 1787, a grateful board renamed the college in his honor. The yarn ball is still our school mascot.

"Why should you consider Chatterly? First of all, we're all about the academics here. We have a 6 to 1 professor to student ratio. That's right: six tenured PhDs for every student. How is this possible? Well, we are highly selective, of course. We are the only college in the country that has a negative admit rate, meaning we reject more applicants than actually apply. Come April, we'll be sending the dreaded thin envelope to thousands of high school seniors who haven't even heard of Chatterly, let alone applied -- just one way we keep this an exclusive learning experience.

"How exclusive? More than 50 percent of our faculty have won either a Nobel Prize, a MacArthur Foundation 'genius' award or a 'Project Runway' challenge. And unlike some colleges, where underpaid graduate students do the actual instruction, our professors are required to teach undergraduates. They are also required to help you move in, should you be so lucky as to be admitted.

"But it isn't all work here. We know that students need to stretch as much outside the classroom as in it. Athletics are important at Chatterly. Our javelin-catching team is nationally ranked, as is our coed naked water polo squad. We have over 500 clubs, including Ultimate Frisbee, Frisbee Golf, Frisbee Croquet, Frisbee Jai Alai and Frisbee Hackey Sack.

"All of our residence halls feature all-suite accommodations, with frozen-yogurt machines in every kitchen. Our common rooms feature not only plasma-screen TVs but plasma, for any students who are feeling anemic.

"What does all this cost? While it's true that Chatterly is among the most expensive universities in the country -- tuition, lodging, books and incidentals add up to $45,000 a year -- we feel strongly that no student should hesitate in applying because they fear they won't be able to afford it. Chatterly is completely needs-blind when it comes to admission. We have a system set up whereby parents may finance their child's education by selling their corneas, retinas and vitreous humor. Our internationally acclaimed eye lab pays about $40,000 per eye, so assuming your applicant has two sighted parents, you should be able to swing it. Yes, both parents will end up blind -- that's where 'needs-blind admission' comes from -- but they will have the pride of knowing there's a Chatterly man or woman in the family.

"Speaking of which, Chatterly is a tradition in many families, with sons and daughters following fathers and mothers through Hangman's Gate and into Groats Hall. It's an uninterrupted line that many alumni can trace all the way back to 1713. Are you sitting next to someone with an abnormally narrow face, crossed eyes, hip dysplasia or some other indicator of generations of inbreeding? They just may be a Chatterly legacy.

"Before you tour the campus, let me again say how delighted we all are that you are interested in Chatterly. Also, please remember that we do not validate parking."

Talk, Talk

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