Robo-Cop
Press 1. It's payback time.

By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, November 23, 2008

I do not like robo-calls, especially a certain highly manipulative one I've been getting a lot lately. The last time, I was ready.

Voice: Don't be alarmed, but this is your final offer for lower interest rates on your current account! This offer expires today! Press "1" to be connected to a live agent.

[1]

Woman: This is account services.

Me: Hi. I would like a lower interest rate on my current account!

Woman: Okay. First I need to get some personal information.

Me: Okay.

Woman: What is your name?

Me: Osvaldo Maëstroño!pop'olaiekiu.

Woman: Okay, that's M-a- ... ?

Me: M-a, then an "e" with an umlaut, then...

Woman: I'm sorry?

Me: An umlaut. Those two little dots that make German words sound really scary. Like, if you wrote "Santa Claus" with umlauts over the "a's," he would sound like the patron saint of little Nazi children. Sänta Cläus.

Woman: Okay, so, M-a, then ...

Me: You can forget the dots. Just put an "e."

Woman: Okay.

Me: M-a-e-s-t-r-o-en-yay

Woman: Excuse me?

Me: En-yay. A tilde. It is that squiggly thing above the "n." It's Hispanic in origin but sounds like "nyih," like my Yiddish-speaking grandma, complaining. She did that a lot. She was about 4-foot-11 and 250 pounds and wore shiny housecoats. She looked like a Hershey's Kiss. En-yay.

Woman: I do that just with an "n"?

Me: Okay. So, M-a-e-s-t-r-o-ñ, then an "o," then an exclamation point, then ...

Woman: I'm sorry?

Me: Exclamation point. It's an alveolar click. It is common to my ancestors from the Hadzabe people of East Tanzania. They live by hunting small antelopes and baboons. The strings on their bows are made from giraffe tendons.

Woman: What is your Visa or Mastercard number?

Me: I can't read it. I'm blind.

Woman: Oh.

Me: So we need to go by my name.

Woman:

Me: So it's M-a-e-s-t-r-o-ñ-o-exclamation point-p-o-p-apostrophe ...

Woman:

Me: Do you need to know about the apostrophe?

Woman:

Me: Hello?

Woman: Okay.

Me: It's a glottal stop. It signifies a sudden interruption and release, like when you say "uh-oh!"

Woman:

Me: Like when you say, "Uh-oh, I've been wasting my time!"

Woman:

Me: But I want to get lower interest rates on my account!

Woman:

Me: Hello?

Gene Weingarten can be reached at weingarten@washpost.com. Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon.