Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Dear Miss Manners:
As a teacher, I am legally required to report abuse, if there is reasonable evidence of it. I was recently at my boyfriend's house when his elderly father, over 80 years old, told of an incident when his son-in-law (call him George) assaulted him. There was no visible injury, but I believed that the assault took place.
I called and reported the incident to Adult Protective Services. Now, George and his wife and daughter are angry with me. However, they will not speak to me directly. They call and harangue my boyfriend.
He defends me, as do his parents. I have been invited to their home for Thanksgiving. George and his wife and daughter will be there as well. Should I stay away until things are calmer? If I attend, should I broach the subject, ignore it, explain the legal requirements of my job, or apologize to mend fences?
I should add that the consequences of the report and subsequent investigation were confidential, so I don't know what the determination was. It is possible that George was found to be innocent.
Uh. You don't happen to have an easier question on you, do you? Like who should get the drumstick?
It is not that Miss Manners ducks the hard ones, and come to think of it, the drumstick issue is a hard one if there are 18 people at the table who want one. But she has no more idea than you whether you made a hideous mistake, coming into a household where you might have misinterpreted an exaggeration, a joke, a grudge or a metaphor, or whether you made a heroic rescue and changed dangerous family dynamics.
The people who do know and are still speaking to you are the parents. That they defend you and invite you to Thanksgiving suggests that you may have been right.
You should not ask them to betray the confidentiality of the investigation, but you can assure them that the most important thing to you is that the family have a pleasant Thanksgiving, and that if it would help, you would cheerfully absent yourself and see them on another day. And if they insist that you attend, you could delicately inquire whether you owe George an apology, or whether everything has been forgotten (meaning that the father has forgiven George and reconciled) and that it's all right for you to go, but it's better not to mention the incident.
Dear Miss Manners:
I am appalled by a Thanksgiving invitation I just received from my brother's wife's mother. I actually did not receive an invitation at all, but a demand to bring three bottles of wine.
But that is not my complaint. She also asked others in my family to bring the rest of the meal, including the turkey!
Miss Manners, please clarify for me, as I am frustrated that one would ask the attendees to provide the entire meal! I think this is audacious and simply tacky tacky tacky. I entertain all the time and never ask my guests to bring anything other than their presence.
To make matters worse, this "in-law" of mine is not the nicest lady in the world and has agreed to have people to her home only because my brother's home burned down -- otherwise, she would never have us over.
What do you think about all this? Should I refuse to go to this family gathering?
What? And miss all that family conviviality?
Miss Manners has always been a staunch opponent of the bait-and-switch invitation, by which people who are asked to come to dinner find out, after accepting, that the invitation was to come with dinner.
But Thanksgiving is somewhat different, and so are the particular circumstances of your family. Because it is often an abnormally oversize meal for a large number of people, Thanksgiving is not infrequently done as a cooperative meal. People who are used to that may believe this to be universal, which is it not.
Another possibility is that your brother and his wife asked her mother to hold the dinner because their house burned down -- not exactly a trivial excuse -- and that they assured her she wouldn't have to do anything because other relatives would bring the food.
In either case, it would be your brother who is at fault for not explaining the terms, not the lady whom you already dislike. If a meal is to be cooperative, rather than hosted, guests should be told that in time to claim that they have another engagement. Furthermore, they should be asked, not told, what to bring. Thanksgiving, especially, is an occasion for such guests to bring their grandmother's specialty, without which, they believe, the holiday cannot be celebrated.
But maybe, since it will be Thanksgiving (and you are already stuck accepting), you can remind yourself to be grateful that your brother was not incinerated and find it in your heart to forgive him.
Dear Miss Manners:
Receiving a citation from a law enforcement officer, in person, is generally a very unpleasant surprise (for example, when being stopped for speeding). However, at the conclusion of such interaction, it seems dismissing the officer with a "thank you" after receipt of the citation is awkwardly impotent. I can think of no other appropriate -- yet polite and neutral -- phrase to dismiss the officer after such an involuntary transaction has transpired that would serve to acknowledge receipt, yet not necessarily be thankful for, such notice.
Does it not seem unreasonable to thank an authority for meting out punishment, warranted or otherwise? Or is saying "thank you" an immediate surcharge of swallowing one's pride in addition to the punitive charge being levied?
Are you telling Miss Manners that you do not feel grateful to the kind officer for rescuing you from potentially dangerous behavior?
If not, do you not see the advantage of two polite words that hint that you do? Miss Manners has never heard of a simple "thank you" being used in court as evidence of guilt.
Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) at MissManners@unitedmedia.com or mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.
2008 Judith Martin
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