By Joe Heim, Justin Rude and Dan Zak
Sunday, November 23, 2008
We were exhausted by all the effort it took to put out last week's Manniversary Super Spectacular issue and asked our editor if we could take this week off. She is ruthless, however, and sent us back to the humor mines to dig up the gems below.
Kudos on the anniversary. Here's my situation. It was a cold morning when Metro decided to kick all of its passengers off at the Reagan Airport stop. Three trains later, I ended up sitting next to this really awesome guy. Only problem is that I never got his name nor gave him mine. I know where he works (George Washington University Hospital) and the times he gets on and off the Metro. How do I find this guy? I don't want to be a stalker hanging outside Foggy Bottom waiting for him. I'm a 27-year-old chick who has been looking to meet someone normal.
Dan: Take a day off from work and stake out the GW hospital cafeteria. If he sees you and remembers you, just say you're there visiting your Aunt Tessie. Who just died. Then get yourself a pity date.
Joe: There's nothing wrong with being a stalker. You just need to commit to it. Contract an illness and get yourself admitted to the hospital. With any luck this guy will be your doctor. Sparks and romance will follow.
Justin: At least until whatever illness you contracted kills you.
Joe: If you work at the GW hospital and think you might be this guy, e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Justin: Talk about service journalism.
Oh, Wise Ones:
Recently I saw a bumper sticker that said, "On my way to work. Please, someone: Kill me now!" If someone took this seriously and shot the driver, would they be able to argue successfully in court that they were just following the victim's wishes?
Dan: Not if the driver was going somewhere other than work, because then the driver's character could be called into question. If he was lying about his destination, then he might be lying about his wish to be murdered. Look up the Supreme Court case California v. Heim.
Joe: Guns don't kill people. Bumper stickers with guns kill people.
I'm 48, and my friend who is in her late 20s says I only listen to depressing music. Can you help me find some non-depressing music that isn't too pop, country or trite? I've pulled the last seven albums I bought, and it really is girl-heavy. Here's the list: Lucinda Williams's "Little Honey," Robert Plant and Alison Krauss's "Raising Sand," Amy Winehouse's "Frank," Shelby Lynne's "Just a Little Lovin'," Emmylou Harris's "All I Intended to Be," Ruthie Foster's "The Phenomenal Ruthie Foster" and Joan Osborne's "Little Wild One." See my problem? I need help, if only to get some music sung by men!
Joe: It's not men you need; it's different women. How about Santogold? She's smart, sharp, sizzling. Or M.I.A.? Political and punchy.
Dan: Sounds as though someone needs to discover master tunesmith Randy Newman, whose stuff sounds cheery but is actually woeful. Best of both worlds.
Justin: Up-tempo male-fronted music that isn't pop, country or trite? Sounds like throwback metal to me! I recommend the Sword, Mastodon and Witchcraft. That last one may sound feminine, but I promise they're dudes. Swedish dudes.
* This week's motto was submitted by Rich Pastor of Rockville.