Every Day Should Be Like Sunday

Other than solitary walks along the beach at sunset contemplating the majesty and mystery that is the BCS, Couch Slouch's favorite form of relaxation remains an overstuffed NFL Sunday on the Barcalounger. Still, my helmet-to-helmet bliss is sometimes diminished by these recurring disturbances:

If Jay Cutler were half as good as everyone says, he'd be Joe Namath by now. Apparently, Rule No. 1 of NFL broadcasting is to treat the Broncos quarterback as a visiting dignitary. Has he ever won anything? Cutler is 15-16 as a starting quarterback. Here's a partial list of QBs I'd rather have: Tom Brady (even in a cast), Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Tony Romo, Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, Donovan McNabb (except in overtime), Drew Brees, Eli Manning and Matt Ryan. Heck, at the moment I'd even rather have Tyler Thigpen.

I'm tired of this gibberish that West Coast teams can't win when they travel East. You know, the West Coast teams we're talking about -- the Raiders, the Seahawks, et al -- couldn't win if they traveled to Wal-Mart to pick up a waffle iron. And where was this stat when West Coast franchises like the Raiders and the 49ers were winning Super Bowls? Those teams could travel west to east in a covered wagon and still win. P.S. Here's my final word on travel, west to east or east to west: avoid Delta.

Every time it's third and eight, I think Chris Henry might be doing five to 10. The Bengals wide receiver is having an unmemorable season -- 10 catches, no touchdowns, zero convictions. But I'll never forget his January 2006 arrest in Orlando on gun charges while reportedly wearing his No. 15 Bengals jersey. This raised two eternal questions. One, how many NFL players walk around in their own jersey? Two, how many NFL players commit a felony walking around in their own jersey?

Can I persuade NFL coaches to forsake first-quarter challenges unless it's absolutely clear a mistake was made? And when I say "absolutely clear," I mean a Martian has to land at the 40-yard line wearing a T-shirt that says, "I'm a Martian and I'm the 12th Man on the Field for the Other Team," and the officials miss it. Otherwise, coaches should keep that red flag in their pocket -- or, in Bill Belichick's case, in his sock -- because it's not worth our trouble or our time to see 12 replays from four angles on whether Cutler's knee hit the ground before he fumbled.

Besides, instant replay is conclusive proof that technology does not always take us a step forward. For the last time, let me say this: There's only one reason to use replay as an officiating tool -- to get the call right (and often it doesn't do that, anyway). There are 17 reasons not to use replay as an officiating tool, which I gladly will detail to anybody who brings a Lou Malnati's pizza, a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and some Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk to my viewing bunker on any given Sunday.

As a longtime gambler, I must tell you to never gamble on professional sports, particularly NFL games with replay reviews. To those of you who lost a week ago betting on the Steelers-Chargers game, what further evidence do you need to give up gambling? To those of you who cashed in on the Steelers game, I implore you to take your ill-gotten winnings and relocate to a holistic health retreat with no Internet.

Would it kill Tom Coughlin to smile more often? Okay, I was wrong about the guy -- I thought he was a so-so leader who could never win it all. I apologize, Coach. But here's a fella who wins most of the time and has won it all, so . . . enjoy yourself. Geez. What makes him happy? At any given time on the sideline, Coughlin appears to be passing a kidney stone while listening to an Al-Gore-on-global-warming speech on his headset.

We need to put an end to "escapability," "blowbyability" (Jay Bilas basketball term) and, most of all, "drinkability." This is fairly self-explanatory.

Ask The Slouch

Q. What is the weirdest sport you have ever seen televised? (Barbara A. Clark; Greenfield, Wis.)

A. I believe I have to go with "Bid Whist Party Throwdown" on TV One. Runner-up: golf.

Q. During the 2008 World Series of Poker on ESPN, you said you did not trust an engineer who wears sunglasses at a poker table. What about welders? (Bill Lively; Fort Worth)