Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Dear Miss Manners:

Urgent before Thanksgiving: I just bought a beautiful soup tureen, but am ignorant of how to serve from it. Does it go on the dining room table, in front of the hostess's place? On the sideboard? In what order are the guests' plates filled?

Ahhh.

That soft sound you hear is Miss Manners sighing happily with the feeling of warmth and hospitality that the mere words "soup tureen" conjure. The jolly, pot-bellied shape, the shining porcelain, the escaping steam, the tantalizing odor . . . What's that? Oh, you want to know where to put the silly thing. If there is room on the table in front of the hostess, the sight of her serving could be charming. If she has to lean over and dribble the soup across the table, the sideboard would be a better choice.

Dear Miss Manners:

This year I will be hosting a rather large Thanksgiving dinner for family. My sister-in-law will be bringing her boyfriend, who is vegetarian. I had planned on offering several vegetarian options, as I want him to feel welcome.

My sister-in-law informed my husband they preferred that no meat be served, but if we insisted, could we make sure not to cook meat/nonmeat items in the oven at the same time, and could we refrain from ceremoniously carving the turkey at the table? How should I handle this request?

With the firm conviction that you are graciously attending to the needs of a guest by making sure that he will have enough to eat, and need not let him take over the running of the household.

You might also suggest to your sister that Thanksgiving, with its food rituals, may not be the best holiday to which to bring the gentleman. Should he become a member of the family, Miss Manners would think your sister-in-law would want to hold family Thanksgiving at their house, where they will be in charge.

Dear Miss Manners:

I had a conversation with a friend that has left me in a guilt stew all day long. She and her 17-year-old daughter are coming to my house for Thanksgiving. None of us wants to cook, so we decided to order a commercially prepared Thanksgiving meal. The price came to $100-plus, and I said, "We're splitting this three ways, right? You're paying for you and your daughter, and I'm paying for myself."

Her response indicated that this was a surprise to her, as I am her daughter's "Auntie" Alice. I'm thinking, "And so?" What am I missing?

The girl and I are not close like family, though we get along well when we're in each other's presence. I rarely sign birthday cards "Auntie Alice" because I just don't feel like an aunt, and she doesn't call me anything, I'm assuming to avoid the Auntie label her mother applied to me.

She and her mother live about a three-hour drive away so we don't see each other frequently, and I never call the daughter nor she me. I might forward a funny e-mail to her, but that's about the extent of our relationship.

Why do I feel guilty?! What I'm really asking is what did the situation call for?

You feel guilty because squabbling over money with guests whom you have invited to your house does not exactly come under the definition of What Thanksgiving Means to Me. Miss Manners suggests that in honor of the occasion, you let it go, saying graciously that you will allow your friend to get the bill next time.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) at MissManners@unitedmedia.com or mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2008 Judith Martin