Time to Elect College Coaches

Meanwhile, I heard a talk radio host suggest recently that maybe there aren't that many black coaching candidates or blacks who want to coach. In football? Most of the players are black -- what, after they're done playing, all of them go into aluminum siding? We're not talking the National Hockey League or the John Birch Society, where you don't expect to find a lot of African Americans in upper management.

Here is the truest statement I will utter all year:

Over the course of most of our history, good things happen to white guys.

Example A: When Lane Kiffin was 31, he became the youngest head coach in NFL annals with the Oakland Raiders, even though he had no NFL experience. He was fired in September with a 5-15 record. Now, at 33, he is about to become the youngest active head coach in division I-A, with Tennessee, even though he has no college head-coaching experience.

Example B: In 2003, Karl Dorrell, who is black, took over at UCLA. He cleaned up the program, adhered to the school's newly rigorous academic standards for recruits, went to a bowl game all five years -- and was fired. He was replaced by a white man, mercurial pied piper Rick Neuheisel, who seems more suited to infomercials than institutions of higher learning. Neuheisel is 4-7, but he has a great smile.

So, how do we break this racial cycle?

Ah, I stumbled upon a solution the other morning, while enjoying PBR in a can:

Why don't we elect our college coaches? By the will of the people, a black man just broke through centuries-old social barriers and made it to the White House. By the will of the people, maybe a black man can make it to Ann Arbor or Tuscaloosa.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I've noticed while watching the NHL with my husband that most of the uniforms are rather garish. Who designs NHL jerseys? I suggest Leanne, winner of "Project Runway" Season 5 -- her designs are very architectural with clean lines. What do you think? (Kim Furlong; Middleburg Heights, Ohio)

A. What, now I have to watch the entire Season 5 of "Project Runway" before answering questions? I have no idea where to find "Project Runway" -- if it's on the NFL Network, I don't get it.

Q. In regard to Plaxico Burress, how does one accidentally shoot oneself in the thigh? (Joseph Smith; Milwaukee)

A. He might've been aiming for the hamstring.

Q. If the Detroit Lions go 0-16, will they qualify for a government bailout? (Lenny Freed; Lyndhurst, Ohio)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. How about doing your part to boost the economy by offering a special "stimulus payout" of $1.50? (Heather Zurowski; Berea, Ohio)

A. Pay the lady the usual 10 bits.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!