How to Help a 7-Year-Old Child Recover From Her Parents' Divorce

Q.My daughter, 35 and single, is living with and almost engaged to a 36-year-old man, of whom we are very fond.

He has been separated from his family for almost two years but sees his three children -- two girls, 17 and 7, and a 16-year-old stepson -- every other weekend and is a loving, involved father. However, he wants my daughter to participate actively whenever the children are there and she is beginning to resent it.

The problem is the 7-year-old, who, we are told, is a sweet and inquisitive child but wants the full attention of her father or my daughter whenever they're together. When she doesn't get it, she whines and cries, prompting negative attention from everyone.

This little girl is probably going through a period of grief after losing her full-time dad, but she says she loves my daughter and they do spend a lot of time doing art projects, playing games, reading and cooking together. We also buy presents for the child, to keep her busy when she visits them.

I've encouraged my daughter and her boyfriend to get some counseling, but apparently he's not ready for that. So I'm trying to teach them different ways to handle his little girl, in hopes that she will change her attitude. I've also suggested that they talk openly to her so she'll feel like she's part of her father's new family; that they take her on errands, rather than structure every moment of her time; and that they teach her to entertain herself, but this may be hard, since she has no playmates in the neighborhood.

What else can we suggest? We are at a loss.

A.It's hard to know who's hurting more: the father, who has probably had a lot of guilt dumped on his emotional doorstep, or his daughter, who has probably been dealing with grief ever since her daddy left home.

Since children are egocentric creatures and since abandonment is usually their greatest fear, this child is almost surely taking the separation personally and wondering if and when she will be abandoned again. Children of divorce may be so affected by the breakup that they stop trusting their parents -- especially if the parents have a number of liaisons -- and some may not even trust their own spouses when they grow up. For this reason, your daughter should get close to this child only if she plans to stick around forever and if she frequently tells her so. This won't allay her fear of abandonment, but it will help.

The child needs other help, too, but not the kind that she's been getting. When your daughter and her boyfriend make themselves indispensable, they are telling her that she can't be happy without their constant attention. It would be better for them to encourage self-sufficiency so the child will become more independent and self-confident.

They should keep spending time with her, of course, but spend it differently. Although the child may want to be with your daughter, she craves one-on-one attention from her dad, and she should get 10 to 15 minutes of it every waking hour during this healing time. These mini-visits shouldn't be programmed, however. As you suggest, it's better to tuck her into their errands and their lives, rather than engage her in mindless, child-centric activities just to keep her busy.

A trip to the hardware store or a walk in the dark will be much more memorable than an art project and may lead to an air-clearing conversation, because children -- and adults -- are more candid when they don't have to make eye contact.

Both your daughter and her boyfriend should also give the child a few chores to do when she visits, so she will learn that life is about giving, as well as getting, and they should ask her to read a story aloud to them every day, instead of reading all the books to her. They could even have her call them every night to read another chapter -- a good way for them to stay in touch, especially when they're tired and don't have much to say.

Your daughter might also ask her neighbors for the names of a few families that have 7-year-old girls and then invite a mother and her daughter to lunch when the boyfriend's child will be there. If the chemistry clicks, the children will want to play by themselves and may even become weekend friends.

A good parenting class would help your daughter and her boyfriend, too, and so would some books on child development. They need to know what to expect at this age, and in this situation.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.