Blago's 'Do -- and Don'ts

By Dana Milbank
Friday, December 12, 2008

Editor's note: Dana Milbank wishes the Washington Sketch could somehow be relocated to Chicago. Instead, he pretended it was. The following is excerpted from yesterday's Washington Sketch Live Online at

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I would like to begin this press conference by saying that I have never had any contact with that motherbleeper Rod Blagojevich, and I am highly confident my staff did not have any contact with him, either, because I do not have a staff. With that, I will be pleased to take questions from you or from the hardworking employees of the Justice Department.

Q: Was happy to see that Blagojevich gave the Sketch an early Christmas present. I need you to settle a debate we were having at work yesterday: Did Blago steal Michael Dukakis's hair? If so, should that be added to the list of charges?

A: In fact, this is exactly how Dukakis's hair looked before he started wearing a combat helmet.

Q: I've heard that prolonged use of a tinfoil hat can result in "Blagojevich hair."

A: I wonder if they will make him cut the hair in prison, for the same reason they take away your shoelaces.

Q: I know the media is reluctant to jump into the Blago story because of the risk to Obama, but it's just so delicious! Blago actually seems to think he's innocent! And that hair! What's not to like about this story?

A: Are you sensing some reluctance from me? Bleep you.

Q: Shouldn't the people of Illinois have realized that electing a Dennis the Menace double would lead to trouble?

A: Yes, maybe it's more Dennis the Menace than Dukakis. And just a hint of Elvis thrown in the mix.

Q: For the record, he didn't steal Dukakis's hair. He stole it from a Lego man.

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