The Kid Tamer

Family coaches are on the cutting edge of this parenting industrial complex, part of the booming coach industry that took off in the early '90s and now includes personal coaches, business coaches, financial coaches, fitness coaches and life coaches. The International Coaching Federation reports that it experienced a 585 percent growth in credentials awarded from 2004 to 2007, with an average of 300 to 400 new members worldwide joining the federation each month last year. An October 2008 Marketdata Enterprises Inc. report notes that personal coaching pulled in almost $1.3 billion in revenue nationally. According to ICF, the coaching industry is holding steady for the moment, and the industry is choosing to see the silver lining in the current economic cloud. Even more so with the recession, "clients are looking to reduce stress in their lives," says ICF marketing manager Ann Belcher.

The fees and methodology of family coaches can vary tremendously. Dara Stieglitz, who has offices in Washington and New Jersey, charges $2,500 for a six-month session of weekly family coaching and carries about 40 clients at any given time. She has done everything from working with a 5-year-old who speaks rudely to her parents -- "Her parents wanted to be proactive and to make sure she would be ready for the future and for conversing politely and productively in discussions at work someday," she explains -- to helping a couple who could not understand their 8-year-old's inability to keep his room clean draft an agreement with the child. ("The definition of clean was different in the eyes of this 8-year-old and his parents," Stieglitz discovered.) By contrast, Lisa Carey, who handles about 25 clients at a time, charges $450 a month for weekly, 45-minute sessions that she conducts in person, or $350 a month for weekly, 45-minute phone sessions.

In a country that has shown an increasing willingness to outsource the mundane tasks of private life, some parents have been happy to part with money if it means more parenting peace of mind. But why would parents like the Dixons -- so obviously levelheaded, devoted and competent -- feel so anxious?

Author and social critic Barbara Ehrenreich argues that parental anxiety is growing in lockstep with economic anxiety. "One thing cranking up the anxiety at this moment is that the pressure on the educated middle class is growing," says Ehrenreich, whose books include "For Her Own Good: Two Centuries of the Experts' Advice to Women" and "Fear of Falling: The Inner Life of the Middle Class."

"Today, it's very hard to get a good job without a degree from a good college and hard to get into those good colleges. We look at our kids and say, 'Gee, it's fun just hanging out with you, but you better get busy. You're going to have to get into a good nursery school, prep school, college.' " Ehrenreich sees this mad scramble as the reflection of today's abiding question for the middle class: "How does this class reproduce itself?"

Coaches, in effect, say: "There's nothing systemic holding you back. Just think positively," according to Ehrenreich. It's an appealing but empty message, she says. While family coaches offer "the illusion of control, the systemic problems are not going to be solved by any amount of ingenious child-raising . . . And that's a hard thing to realize."

Arlie Hochschild, a sociologist and professor at the University of California, Berkeley, speculates that parents may be driven to family coaches because of a societal "push to be a really perfect family." With an array of new technologies and services at their disposal, Americans feel like they don't have to settle for just okay anymore, Hochschild says. For example: You liked your skin just fine, but discovered a face cream -- call it Retin A -- that promises to give you perfect skin. Now, you look at your skin in the mirror. "'Is it perfect?' you wonder," Hochschild says. "And it's easy to transfer that way of thinking from our physical appearance to intimate life. Commercial interests have moved in on the abiding American ethic of self-help."

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"A family what?" Ernest asked when Sheila brought up the idea of hiring a family coach in early May. Sure, he was familiar with fitness coaches and business coaches, but family coaches? "What is that, some kind of psychologist for families?" He was surprised Sheila would feel the need. Family life got a little crazy sometimes, but he didn't think it called for professional help.

No psychologists, Sheila assured him: "This is just somebody who would help us get organized and on track with our goals." Several women from her entrepreneur networking group had hired Lisa Carey and found her helpful. "Her clients loved her," Sheila coaxed. "She's very down to earth."

Ernest couldn't quite visualize what a family coach would do. And why now?

Consider the changes coming down the pike, Sheila explained: the new pharmacy opening, her own business expansion plans, the older boys entering puberty, Darron moving to full-time day care. It's important to make sure these upheavals don't throw us, Sheila explained.