Something In the Air

"I had been a former smoker for 23 years, I thought I had wiped out my chances for lung cancer by quitting all those years ago. But one thing you'll discover here is that it can happen to anyone."

"You don't always want to talk with your husband or friends, family and co-workers, but coming here I feel I can really say what is on my mind without feeling that I am hurting or getting on their nerves by talking about it."

I'm pretty sure my dad won't go online and spill his thoughts, complete with emoticons and pictures of the grandkids he's "fightin' for." But, it turns out, the forums were a great place for me.

"I found out that I have lung cancer -- don't know which type until tomorrow. My only precious son . . . . will return Saturday . . . I am so afraid that he will hate me since he has been on me for years to quit smoking. You see, his dad died when he was 6 and he was the only one there when it happened. He doesn't want to lose me also."

That last posting hit me the hardest.

I have to confess that I reacted differently to the two phone calls I received in the past 12 months about my parents' health.

When I got the call that my mom had endometrial cancer, it was a body blow. My throat tightened, my stomach twisted and fear swept over my body.

But with my dad, I have to say it was different.

When the phone rang and the words "lung cancer" were spoken, my lips tightened and I slowly shook my head like a scolding mother.

Of course he has lung cancer, I thought. I had been waiting for this call my whole life. As a child raised on aggressive anti-smoking ads tucked between episodes of "Super Friends" in the 1970s, I drew the line from my dad's habit directly to his lung cancer. And blamed him completely.

"What happened in our society, we discovered that smoking caused lung cancer. We started an immense campaign," Holland said. "We decided, let's put all our eggs in the basket of prevention. And that was really sort of sad. It's taken some catch-up now to change attitudes."

That campaign is good, of course, for a younger generation. But what about the folks, like my father, who got hooked early on, when the dangers of cigarettes were relatively unknown and he, like millions of others, used the product exactly as it was intended?

At Georgetown University Hospital, Marshall said she will often remind her older patients -- the ones who received boots, pants, a helmet and cigarettes as standard-issue equipment in the military -- that things were different when they became addicted to smoking.

"It was the way we stayed awake. They told us to smoke," my dad said one day this autumn, as we walked through the woods, challenging his 1 1/2 lungs.

While he was in the hospital and I was fighting with my anger and blame, I had to remind myself that if he had been in a car accident and fighting for his life, I wouldn't bring up his past speeding tickets. Or had he been in a bicycling accident, I wouldn't chide him for not wearing his helmet. All of us engage in some sort of reckless behavior, but unlike smokers we will probably not be so universally punished for our choices should things go awry.

One of the biggest gaps in the services related to lung cancer is counseling for family members dealing with their conflicting feelings about the disease, said Maureen Rigney, director of patient services at the Lung Cancer Alliance.

"We get calls and e-mails from loved ones very frustrated that their lung cancer patient hasn't stopped smoking or from those who find it kind of difficult to make sense of the diagnosis if their loved one quit smoking long ago," Rigney said.

Groups such as the Lung Cancer Alliance offer Internet forums and phone buddies; at Sloan-Kettering, Holland organizes support meetings for patients and their families.

It makes sense. And reading the forums helped me understand some of the resentment and anger I had felt toward my father.

The best advice came to me online from a 54-year-old former smoker who likes to knit and crochet and rides a motorcycle, according to her forum profile. She said her daughter always gave her guff about smoking, making her realize it would be tough for them to fight lung cancer together:

"I told her that she was allowed one 'I told you so,' and that was it."

That was all I needed to read.

I unfolded the blanket and put it over my dad as he slept in the hospital bed.

Comments: dvorakp@washpost.com.