Inviting Criticism

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Dear Miss Manners:

The invitation to my office holiday party just arrived and I'm fuming. The invite says that I should bring "a spouse, significant other or date." Is it acceptable for the hosts to specify what categories of guests are permissible, or have these people stepped over the line?

Those poor people who were assigned to write the invitations! Miss Manners's heart aches for them.

They used to send these invitations in the names of employees and their husbands and wives. But then they began getting angry reactions from female employees and wives of employees who had not taken their husbands' names or who had, but wanted to be addressed by their own given names as well.

To avoid dealing with these complications of names and honorifics, there was a switch to the generic "spouses." This produced angry reactions from employees whose marriages had ended and who wanted to bring new interests, from employees whose marriages had not ended but who wanted to bring new interests and from employees whose interests had not ended but whose marriages had not begun.

So they added "significant other." This produced angry reactions from the single employees who were not significantly attached but who did not want to attend alone, so they added "date."

Now what are you fuming about? If you want to bring your nephew, your neighbor or your fourth-grade teacher, there are not likely to be objections.

They could have added that everyone could bring "a guest," but by this time, their nerves were shot. What if it turned out that some of the employees lived in ménages à trois?

Dear Miss Manners:

This is my first year in business for myself. I would like to show excellent customer care by sending Christmas cards to my customers whom I've worked for in the past year. Are there any specific rules I should follow so as not to offend my customers?

Rule 1 would be: Don't send Christmas cards.

Most people will not be offended, but neither are they likely to be charmed. Unless you are on particularly friendly terms with them, many will regard your card as another form of printed advertising. Even less charmed will be your clients who are not Christian, or who are but do not celebrate Christmas.

Before you protest that you mean well (and everyone else protests at Miss Manners's horrid attitude), she has another suggestion. Write a short note of appreciation with your own hand, as a sort of end-of-the-year appreciation, and say nothing about Christmas.

Dear Miss Manners:

I gave a relative a pot of poinsettias as a hostess gift, thinking it was festive and appropriate for a holiday visit. The hostess received it saying "Thanks, isn't this poisonous?"

I was embarrassed and dumbfounded (managed to grit my teeth into an almost-smile and told myself to not mind -- but obviously I cannot "not mind it"!). I was also angry at myself for not having a glib reply.

Belatedly, a friend suggested "That's why we got it for you," but I doubt my ability to carry off cheeky responses with aplomb. Is there a remedial school somewhere for catty comebacks?

My husband claims that it is just sarcastic humor. I think it shows ill manners and ungraciousness. There shouldn't be room for sarcasm in thanks, except perhaps among very good friends who share the same sarcastic wit. And in a social situation, isn't it arrogant to assume that everyone will love and enjoy one's sarcastic wit applied liberally?

I probably would not be this miffed if the comment had been said by someone I have experienced as a nice person. In the few times I have been in social contact with this woman, she's had no qualms about sharing her critical opinions of anyone and everyone who is not in the room -- including people I like and respect and consider to be my friends. What could I have said at that moment?

P.S.: I researched poinsettias as soon as we got home, and found that there is a common misconception that poinsettias are toxic. They are not very toxic, but those sensitive to latex may suffer an allergic reaction, and, if eaten, poinsettias may cause diarrhea and vomiting in people and animals.

Then how about "You'll be fine as long as you don't eat them"?

No, Miss Manners supposes not. In spite of your research, you might consider this to be joking, which you have disallowed.

Fortunately, earnestness works just as well. You could have taken her by both hands, given her a look of deep concern and said, "You know I would never do anything to hurt you. I only hoped to please you." If possible, make your lip quiver when you say this.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) at MissManners@unitedmedia.com or mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2008 Judith Martin