Family Almanac

Q.My sister is 60, single, retired -- and exhausted, worn down and very discouraged by the behavior of her 5-year-old granddaughter.

The child's mother was 10 and had just been released from a residential school for children with emotional problems when my sister became her foster parent and later adopted her, but she still has serious problems. She had her first child when she was 18, then had another child who died of leukemia, and now, at 23, she's pregnant again by a different father.

Since the parents clearly couldn't take care of their firstborn, my sister got permanent custody, but this child has huge problems, too. On the positive side, she loves to sing in the children's choir, she likes to help in the kitchen, she's a prizewinning swimmer, and she got good marks in preschool and junior kindergarten. On the negative side, she is rude, demanding, sassy and disrespectful; she wants constant attention; she throws tantrums; she screams for my sister to come to her for no serious reason; she orders her around like a servant; and she always wants to sit on her lap and sleep with her, too.

She also won't let anyone brush her hair, no matter how gently, and she won't wear underpants, either. The doctor says that she has no irritation, injury or infection, but she will only wear an old pair of shorts or her bathing suit bottom.

Although she won't spend the night with her parents, she does like brief visits with them, and she sees a counselor to help her get over the death of her sibling. However, the sassiness, the hair sensitivity and the underwear problem started long before that.

What could be wrong with this child?

A.Your great-niece is probably a bit spoiled and is reacting to the troubles in her young life, but it also sounds as if she has sensory processing disorder.

This neurological problem is often inherited, affects one in 20 children and may wreck a child's behavior, her disposition and her relationships with others because SPD can make a child overreact -- or underreact -- to a sight, sound, smell, touch, taste, movement or pain. Her brain simply can't respond to all the messages it gets from the sensory receptors that are in her skin, in and around her mouth and in her inner ear, and this makes her act in ways that annoy others as well as herself.

Some SPD children don't know where their bodies are in space, so they are clingy or they hate to be touched or they stand too close to their friends. Others bite holes in their shirts, walk on their tiptoes, talk loudly but hate to hear loud talk from anyone else, or act like they've been bopped with a bat when someone has only given them a light pat on the back. Or, like this child, they can't bear to have their hair brushed because it hurts so much or to wear underpants (or sometimes any clothes) because the tags or the seams make their skin send messages to their brains, nonstop.

It takes an occupational therapist to diagnose SPD, and if your great-niece has it, she'll need to do certain exercises at home every day and get occupational therapy every week for about a year. This should put her brain in sync with her senses and she won't have SPD anymore.

Your sister should also enlist the help of the counselor and the teacher and go to a good parenting class. Anyone who takes care of a special-needs child is bound to spoil her a little and sometimes a lot, which just makes things worse.

A special-needs child does not have special rights. Your sister should respect her granddaughter, of course, but she must also demand respect from her. She won't get it, however, unless she sets sensible rules and regular chores for her granddaughter and disciplines her consistently.

If your sister makes a big fuss over her when she's pleasant but won't let her sit in her lap when she's been rude or sassy, the child won't be so rude and sassy; if she gives her soft, tagless boxers to wear -- and doesn't call them underpants -- she will probably wear them; and if she cuts her hair quite short, it won't get so tangled and then she won't squawk so much when her grandma brushes it, which she should do every day. That's part of the discipline package.

Your sister should also read "Sensational Kids" by Lucy Jane Miller, the guru of SPD, and Doris A. Fuller (Perigee; $15), and examine the SPD Web site http://www.spdfoundation.net. She'll learn a lot.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, DC 20003.