The dancing in the streets is getting old already, so here's where the dread takes over. (Dear wonderboy speechwriter: We could really use a "fear itself" about now.) Vacation homes are on the chopping block; the stores are closing; no one's ordering appetizers or desserts. Even the universe has slowed its expansion, scientists theorize, meaning everything really is connected to retail. You start clipping coupons and offering prayers to Saint Suze Orman. Flat is the new up, conspicuousness is the new sin. Nobody wants front-row seats anymore, because it's safer to be part of the crowd. Luxury customers are asking for plain paper bags.

Times are tighter than Michael Phelps's delts, which are out. Our daughters flee to the comfort of vampires. (Eternal life? Alabaster skin? In!) You start to feel good about how a prolonged recession could get rid of the things you most loathe (destination weddings, "Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew"), but then hope against hope that the things you rely on will make it through the darkness (Madhouse Munchies potato chips, Nordstrom, Netflix).

The first stage to consumer grief is denial.

The second stage is making a List . . .

OUT	IN
Claymates	Twihards
Put a ring on it	Put a lid on it
LOLcats	"Garfield Minus Garfield"
Dressing like "Mad Men"	Drinking like "Mad Men"
Shrunken schoolboy blazers	Lloyd Dobler overcoats
Gourmet sliders	Gourmet toast
My pastor	My "person"
Jonas = Osmond	Jonas = Timberlake
Complicated TV shows, like "Lost"	Easy TV shows, like "The Mentalist"
Gay rights	Vampire rights
Grandpa sweaters	Boyfriend jeans
Rihanna hair	Janelle Monáe hair
Twittering	Slow blogging
Hot dudes from "Gossip Girl"	Hot dudes from "Star Trek"
Funny or Die	Hulu
Bumming cigarettes	Bumming books
Chefs with TV shows	Chefs who farm
Chanel sunglasses	Red Ray-Ban Wayfarers
Popeyes	Korean Fried Chicken
Fuji apples	Honeycrisp apples
Bragging about your eco light bulbs	Secretly keeping an incandescent bulb in your favorite lamp
Keith Olbermann and Miss Precious Perfect	Rachel Maddow and Susan Mikula
Spore	Bakugan
Waco	Waikiki
Wolverine	Watchmen
Young, inconsistent film directors	Young, inconsistent quarterbacks
Stroller envy	Cheap day-care envy
"Organic" toys	Pots and pans
Smart car	Chevrolet Volt
Competitive cup-stacking	Competitive pen-spinning
Alec Baldwin comeback	Mickey Rourke comeback
Pinstripes	White piping
Real Gilbert Arenas	Wax Gilbert Arenas
Oscar de la Renta	Jason Wu
Celeb exhaustion	Celeb mercury poisoning
Goth	Steampunk
Malcolm Gladwell's theories	Nate Silver's numbers
Lamé leggings	Jewel-toned tights
Emphasizing. Things. With. Periods.	REVENGE OF CAPS LOCK
"Mamma Mia!"	"Slumdog Millionaire"
Voting like Oprah	Eating like Oprah
Skeletor Madonna	Immortal Suzanne Somers
Stuff White People Like	Stuff the first lady likes
"Real Housewives of Orange County"	"Real Housewives of Atlanta" (Holla, NeNe!)
Ellipticals	ROM Master
Watching porn on the Web	Watching puppies on the Web
Levi Johnston	Alex Ovechkin
Gladiator sandals	Birdcage heels
Jim and Pam	Dwight and Angela
Expensive bicycles	Fixies
Tesla roadster	Fiat 500
Lipstick on a pig	LIP watches
Activism	Hacktivism
Doldrums	Acedia
Governors	Senators
Net-a-Porter	Ideeli.com
Kings of Leon	Fleet Foxes
Absinthe	Crème de violette

SPENT	SAVED
Fashionistas in line for cupcakes	Frugalistas in line for soup
Gated	Moated
20 percent off	75 percent off and free shipping
CNBC on the economy	"This American Life" on the economy
Shoplifting	Counterfeiting
High-end barbecue grills	Crock pots
Nostalgia for '80s songs	Nostalgia for '80s problems
Executive compensation	Executive castration
Management	MGMT
The Palm	Busboys and Poets
"Jon and Kate Plus 8"	The Duggars
Searching one's soul	Searching one's wallet
Condos on the waterfront	Longshoremen on the waterfront
"It's all good"	"It is what it is"
$5,000 call girls	Unemployed husbands
Santogold	Cash4Gold
Sleeping in parking lots to buy new iPhones	Sleeping in parking lots
Big endowments	"Hung" on HBO
"Make it work!"	Look for work
"The Purpose-Driven Life"	"Why We Suck"