Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dear Miss Manners:

Last night, my wife made a pointed remark that when she went on a business trip with her financial adviser, he opened the car door, sat her in a restaurant and "acted like a gentleman."

I no longer do this for her because it just seems phony and old-fashioned, and, in a way, condescending of a woman's ability. Now, for her financial adviser to do this is understandable. After all, she is his client, not his wife. In today's world, should I do this?

Today's world where it is worthwhile to be charming to a client but silly to bother when it is only a wife?

Oh, you mean today's world where such manners do not charm but inspire defensive snarls. But you have made clear to Miss Manners, as your wife made clear to you, that this particular lady would be delighted. So please stop thinking that it is phony to please one's spouse.

Dear Miss Manners:

My wife is very refined and attractive and a little obsessive and compulsive when it comes to her grooming.

I appreciate that, but when we go out in public or meet others at a restaurant, she will bring her nail buffing set with her and buff her nails within the view of others.

I frequently mention that this appears to be either rude or just awkward and unsightly, given her desire to maintain appearances. She thinks it is nothing and no one should draw an opinion about it, including me.

I find the visual repetition and sound of it annoying. Shouldn't this kind of grooming be done at home or in private, or am I the one that is being too obsessive?

Sorry as Miss Manners is to have to point this out, she must observe that you have gallantly overestimated the qualities of this lady. There is nothing either refined or attractive about someone who does bathroom chores in public and who won't make the smallest change in her habits to avoid annoying her husband.

Dear Miss Manners:

Several months ago, we mailed out save-the-date cards to prospective out-of-town guests for our son's wedding. Due to circumstances beyond our control, the wedding guest list now needs to be reduced. We now need to let family and friends know that although they received save-the-date cards, they will not be invited to the wedding. What is the best and most polite way to do this, hopefully without incurring hard feelings or grudges?

There is no polite way to say, "We told you to wait for us, but you didn't make the final cut." Miss Manners suggests finding a way to cut the expenses, not the list of reserved guests.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) at MissManners@unitedmedia.com or mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2009 Judith Martin