Hollywood Wedded to The Formula

Bridal Films Ply the Same Scary Image

The monster in "Bride Wars" is diabolical and insidious, duplicitous and horrifying. It replaces the film's sweet heroines with evil versions of themselves, zombie-eyed as they carry out the monster's bidding.

The monster's weapons are petits fours and tulle.

The monster is the wedding.

Its vehicle -- the wedding movie -- is a familiar one. We've been watching it for years. Here Comes the Crazy Bride. Again and again and again.

Long after marriage is out, after we're all polyamorous or something, we'll still be watching it, or some holographic version of it. Julia Roberts, wearing Blush and Bashful, will play the feisty great-aunt of the bride.

It's puffy, it's poufy, it's crinoline and buttercream. But lick off enough layers of icing, and there lurks the monster. Our heroine must wrestle it to the ground, narrowly escaping disaster, to learn if she's captured the right prince.

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"Bride Wars," opening tomorrow, is about, uh, bride wars.

Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway are Liv and Emma, childhood best pals who get engaged the same week, then book the same venue, then learn that due to a scheduling mix-up one of them has to choose another location, but the venue is THE PLAZA HOTEL IN JUNE, so --

Wait, are you still reading?

Because plot is totally extraneous to this movie. You do not need to follow the plot, nor does your brain need to register inconsequential details like dialogue (it mostly takes place in a dialect known as "squeal") or grooms (essentially walking pants, played by Chris Pratt and Steve Howey, whom you have never heard of).

This movie is for people who are less about plot, more about place cards.