By Marguerite Kelly
Special to The Washington Post
Friday, January 9, 2009

Q.I am writing about my 3-year-old son, who is in a rough patch these days -- or maybe it's my rough patch. Hard to say.

We moved three months ago and my older sons have made the transition well, but this boy is having a hard time. Although he gets nothing but good reports from his preschool teacher, there has been a major change at home and I can't help associating it with our move.

He is such a bright and observant boy, but now he only notices the things that are wrong: the piece that is missing from a set; the toy that is broken; the show that isn't on television. And once he focuses on an object that is missing or broken, he starts to whine about it or have a tantrum. These tantrums are neither long nor intense, but he still fusses about the problem afterward.

"I need my shark toy," he'll say. "I need my shark toy. I need my shark toy." It is very, very hard to get him to talk about anything else at these times. Although his negativity will damp down when he is well-rested, well-fed and has played enough outside, it never entirely disappears. I can't say that this behavior is new, but it has become much more frequent, persistent and pronounced in the past few months.

It drains me to be around so much negativity and it drains the joy out of motherhood, too. Is there anything I can do about it?

A.Of course his attitude bothers you. As another mother of three was quick to say, "A parent can only be as happy as her saddest child."

You won't be quite so sad if you stop taking your son's complaints as seriously as you do and stop responding to them quite as much. This is not to denigrate his feelings. Your little boy undoubtedly has a reason for his negativity, even if he can't, or won't, say what it is. If you frequently talk with him, cuddle him and play with him when he's in a good mood, however -- and ignore him as much as you can when he's not -- he should become more cheerful because your approval is more important to him than anything else.

It might also help you to know that some children are more resilient than others, some handle transitions better than others, and all children follow a consistent up-and-down pattern of behavior between birth and 6 -- a pattern that is particularly noticeable around their third birthday. Most children start this year beautifully, then fall apart in six months, but some fall apart around 3 and turn sweet as pie six months later.

In either case, the reason is the same: Their behavioral shell has to molt every year so they can grow one that's big enough to accommodate their new and more grown-up behavior. This six-month process makes a child cranky, particularly when it's accompanied by a stressful event, such as a move. And few things are more stressful to a child who has lived in the same little house for his whole little life and doesn't know why he should leave it, except, perhaps, the prospect of a moving van that might break or lose his toys. This fear could be making your child blame The Move when some of his things got broken or lost, even though that happened much later. Such is the nature of a small child's mind.

Since children base their conclusions only on the things they know -- and since they don't know much -- you'd be wise to tell your son about any decision you make in the future, if you think it could affect him in any way. Even a 3-year-old will understand the gist of it, if you explain it simply, and he will accept what you say, if you give your plan a positive spin and call it an adventure.

Your son should also get what he needs every day: three nutritious meals; plenty of sleep at night; a nap or a rest in the afternoon and a little outdoor exercise. But that's not all. He also needs a small, easily prepared protein snack in midmorning and midafternoon, so his blood sugar doesn't dip and make him cross. Half of a stuffed egg, a chicken wing left over from last night's supper or a tablespoon of peanut butter smeared on a few apple or banana slices may soon get rid of his rough patch -- and if you follow the same regimen, it may even get rid of yours.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.