Ovation Inflation: Take It Sitting Down

Help with what? The notion that every bride is entitled to a series of parties? And that people are happy to attend such events even if their presence is not sought for the wedding itself?

These people are, presumably, your friends, so you are in a better position than Miss Manners to guess their reactions. What you have to keep making clear is that you are not favoring some friends over others, in which case it would be extraordinarily rude to expect the unchosen to do the minor celebrations only to be excluded from the main one.

What you are doing, you must explain, is being married privately, with only family present. It would be in bad taste to plead budget considerations. Hard as it may be to believe, there are people who simply prefer not to surround their marriage ceremonies with extravaganzas.

Then talk to your mother about who, in her circle and yours, are close enough to be delighted if she says something like, "Emmeline will be married with just the family there, but I'm throwing a little party where she and Emmet can see the people we care about."

You should permit the work shower only if it is customary in your office to mark colleagues' weddings in this small way without further expectations. And as for showers and other gatherings of your friends -- they are not for you to propose. Should friends come forth and offer to give them, confining their guest lists to those who understand the situation, Miss Manners will not object.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) at MissManners@unitedmedia.com or mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2009 Judith Martin