Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Dear Miss Manners:
I live in a town that bestows standing ovations as routinely as one draws breath. As a child, I was taught that one gets to one's feet when the performer is at the absolute top of his game and has moved one deeply. Otherwise, one applauds appreciatively, or, in some cases, politely.
Within two weeks, I attended a number of events where standing ovations occurred: choral music at an evening church service, an annual meeting in which certificates of appreciation were handed out, a concert performance by three tenors, a high school performance by students and a bar association luncheon at which 1,000 lawyers leapt to their feet both at the appearance of the speaker (a Supreme Court justice) and at the conclusion.
All events were enjoyable and interesting. None qualified as "top of their game" and/or emotionally moving.
Am I hopelessly out of touch? Just being a curmudgeon at my resistance to peer pressure? I do not wish to be unkind but find all this aggravating.
It is called Ovation Inflation, and serious aesthetes deplore it. It leaves them with no way of expressing real joy.
Performers ought to deplore it as well, because it precludes enjoying a genuine triumph. Instead, many have taken to seeding the reaction by applauding their fellow performers and occasionally, Miss Manners regrets to say, themselves.
Sharing your regrets -- and let's not have any of those "out of touch" insults for proper behavior -- Miss Manners urges you to sit these ovations out with quiet dignity, waiting for those special moments.
Dear Miss Manners:
My husband and I were embarrassed by the gift we brought to an engagement party we went to last year.
We bought a funny relationship-comedy DVD and a box of popcorn to pop while the couple watched it. We thought it was a fun gift for them to enjoy during the stress of planning a wedding. The cost of the gift was probably $10. After all, it is still just an engagement that can be broken at any time.
However, when the engagees decided to open their presents in front of the group, we saw that they were receiving big-ticket items such as televisions and microwaves.
What is the appropriate gift for an engagement party? Especially if, as in my situation, you are close with the bride and will also be buying a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift? Or perhaps you are even a member of the bridal party and will have further expenses. Buying so many gifts for the same couple can get a little tiring -- and expensive!
Making embarrassment sound like the best choice.
However, Miss Manners sees no reason for you to be embarrassed. You gave a thoughtful little present, appropriate to the occasion, and if others choose to give two or more sets of what are, in effect, wedding presents, do not let it bother you.
Dear Miss Manners:
My fiance and I are on a tight budget and are planning a small family-only wedding. My mother would like to throw us an engagement party, a work buddy wants to give me a shower and I'd love to have a bachelorette party with my girlfriends.
Many people who would attend these events would not be invited to the wedding. I've heard from several sources that to not invite these people to the wedding is the height of rudeness.
Is that true? Do I really have to give up these special events because my fiance and I can't afford a big wedding? Please help!
Help with what? The notion that every bride is entitled to a series of parties? And that people are happy to attend such events even if their presence is not sought for the wedding itself?
These people are, presumably, your friends, so you are in a better position than Miss Manners to guess their reactions. What you have to keep making clear is that you are not favoring some friends over others, in which case it would be extraordinarily rude to expect the unchosen to do the minor celebrations only to be excluded from the main one.
What you are doing, you must explain, is being married privately, with only family present. It would be in bad taste to plead budget considerations. Hard as it may be to believe, there are people who simply prefer not to surround their marriage ceremonies with extravaganzas.
Then talk to your mother about who, in her circle and yours, are close enough to be delighted if she says something like, "Emmeline will be married with just the family there, but I'm throwing a little party where she and Emmet can see the people we care about."
You should permit the work shower only if it is customary in your office to mark colleagues' weddings in this small way without further expectations. And as for showers and other gatherings of your friends -- they are not for you to propose. Should friends come forth and offer to give them, confining their guest lists to those who understand the situation, Miss Manners will not object.
Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) at MissManners@unitedmedia.com or mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.
2009 Judith Martin
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