Talented? Well, She Does Sing In a Two-Piece Ensemble

UNIVERSAL CITY, Calif., Jan. 13

What has Fox done to our "American Idol"?

The network warned us that this season would be more aspirational, less cutthroat, in keeping with the times. But kicking off in Phoenix with Louis Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World" over shots of judge Simon Cowell actually smiling -- and a rainbow? Then the show wraps with Brave Nearly Blind Guy?

Fortunately, in between, we got treated to a nice mix of deliciously delusional auditioners and major surprises. Scary Pink Scrapbook Girl, Crying Rock Star in a Box Guy, Sweet Roughneck, and a guy who calls himself Sexual Chocolate, whom Simon insisted on calling just "Sexual" -- as in, "thank you, Sexual."

And, of course Nasal Bikini Babe -- another "American Idol" first.

Host Ryan Seacrest's tongue-tied reaction to Bikini Babe trying to make out with him was something along the lines of, "Uh . . . 'Idol'!"

They've added a fourth judge and now the show looks like "The View." Newcomer Kara DioGuardi has major recording chops, and was presumed to have been brought aboard to ratchet up the Paula Abdul crazy. But in the first episode, at least, she adds little to the returning mix of Abdul, Cowell and Randy Jackson. As in seasons past, Randy has had some kind of a makeover -- this appears to be his Botox season.

Except, of course, the addition of DioGuardi means there's an even number of judges -- and whenever there's an even split, Simon now gets to play king as the tiebreaker. Which, in turn, explains why Nasal Bikini Babe is on her way to Hollywood, despite an appreciable lack of singing talent. She does, however, have a lovely willowy body and knows how to wear a very small bikini and tramp things up, promising Seacrest that she will make out with him if she gets sent through to Hollywood.

Simon loved her audition, pronouncing it "beautiful" before it had barely begun, so to speak. Ditto Tweedle Dum Jackson. Kara and Paula naturally disagree, and Kara belts out a few bars to show NBB how it should have sounded, adding with a head wag: "Honestly, you don't have the chops to sing that song, sweetie."

"But, your demonstration wasn't any better," NBB snaps.

With Simon and Randy both voting "yes," the chick vote doesn't matter. "Next time, come naked," Kara snaps. Nasal Bikini Babe rolls her eyes, as if somehow she's been insulted.

Outside the audition room, Seacrest asks NBB why she thought the judges put her through to the next round of the competition.