You Are a Moron

(Got a problem with that?)

Cats are no more capable of showing affection than are sand crabs.

People can't really be allergic to peanuts. I mean, c'mon -- they're just peanuts!

I'm thinking this newspaper ought to stop running Garfield, Sudoku and sports.

There is no difference between a belief in the Judeo-Christian God and a belief that the world was created by an enormous yak named Steve.

Israel is wrong about everything.

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Note to readers: As newspapers develop a much greater presence on the Web, writers are afraid that their value will increasingly be judged not by the quality of their writing, but by how much "buzz" they create; specifically, how many online comments their stories generate. I worry about this, too. The problem is that online readers don't send in lots of comments in response to cogent, contrapuntal exegeses on complicated subjects or witty observations about the ironies of life. Online readers generally send in lots of comments in response to ill-thought-out but provocative diatribes.

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There is no difference between breastfeeding in public and pooping in public.

I wonder if anyone out there would totally do Lindsay Lohan in a heartbeat?

It's time to finally admit that George W. Bush was a "near great" president.

If your spouse divorces you, it probably means you are unlovable.