When the Youngest Child Takes a Petulant Turn

Q.I don't know whether my husband and I were so pleased with our first three kids -- now 22, 20 and 19 -- or we had a moment of insanity, but somehow we decided to have a fourth child at a much later stage in our lives. Now I'm wondering if we are raising an only child.

This daughter, now 9, is a lovely rough-and-tumble sort of kid who has some sensory issues -- she can't stand lines on her socks, tags in her clothes or the way some shirts feel on her back -- but she's on a basketball team and a swim team; she takes music lessons; she's a Brownie; and she quickly makes friends.

Lately, though, she's become a prima donna. I'm an experienced mom, but I never saw our older kids act like that.

The mommying gig was a blast with them. They grew up in a pack and loved the give-and-take in their group while I reveled in their ability to deal with things easily -- to go with the flow. They are away at college now but still very close to one another; they come home every month or so, and for the summer, too, and they always make a big deal over their little sister. She, of course, adores them.

She has gotten quite critical and impatient with her friends, my husband and me, however, and it's driving me crazy. She also finds it hard to hide her feelings when she's disappointed in someone and sometimes she bosses her friends around, interrupts them and insists on having her own way.

I've taken her aside when she acts like that and told her that she must take turns or that she must offer her friend the first cookie, but she thinks I'm picking on her and either breaks down in sobs or stomps away.

I don't want her self-esteem to suffer, but I also don't want to raise a selfish little brat.

A.In a sense, your youngest is growing up like an only child, because she's getting your undivided attention and also because she has no siblings at home to keep her in line.

When children -- in a family or on a playground -- find out that tattling is taboo, they start policing one another in other ways and they can be ruthless about it. The child who is annoying is told to shape up or go home, but if her behavior gets really bad, her friends simply stop playing with her, which is the worst punishment of all. A child can have bad manners or she can have playmates, but she can't have both.

This is a lesson that must be learned, and relearned, throughout childhood but especially at 7, 9, 11, 13 and 15, when children are more reflective, introspective and unsure of themselves. A 7-year-old may sit around saying that nobody loves him, and 11-, 13- and 15-year-olds may try all kinds of foolish things just to be cool, but the behavior of a 9-year-old is unpredictable.

One day she is cheerful and friendly with her parents; the next day -- or the next hour -- she's a grump who pulls away from them. If she's truly rude to you or anyone, however, she must be corrected -- but not immediately. First have your daughter write down the rules that she thinks all children should live by, and then ask her each night how well she followed them that day. She will be truthful, because they are her rules, not yours, and she may cry when she tells you she failed, but this method should teach her self-discipline better than a dozen lectures from you or her dad.

You'll also understand your daughter's moods better if you read "Your Nine-Year-Old" by Louise Bates Ames and Carol Chase Haber (Dell, $14) and you'll teach her to be more empathic if you give her a young reader's copy of "Three Cups of Tea" by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin and adapted by Sarah Thompson (Dial, $17). Once she reads about one man's drive to build schools for girls in Pakistan and Afghanistan, she should become less critical and more compassionate, especially if she clicks on http://https://www.ikat.org and sees how she can collect enough pennies at her own school to buy pencils for schoolchildren who live a world away.

The more your child realizes that she can make a difference, the less cranky she will be.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.