This Column Has Gone To the Dogs

Nearly 2,500 dogs have gathered for the 133rd annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, a.k.a. the Canine Super Bowl. Last year's champion, a beagle called Uno, has retired; among those in the hunt this year is veteran Siberian Husky Chuchi's Yuki, who kept an exclusive journal for Couch Slouch on his week in New York.

Wednesday: You never think you're going to make it to The Show when you're on the circuit and staying at Super 8s in Lancaster, Pa. . . . I dated a stunning golden retriever for seven months; I broke it off when she got fleas. . . . In what culture is sniffing someone else's butt acceptable? Geez . . . I'll tell you who should have a salary cap: Shih Tzu owners. . . .

I love midtown Manhattan -- fire hydrants everywhere.

Thursday: This is the most prestigious dog show on the planet -- would it kill them to put bottled water in our bowls? . . . I'd never sleep with a mutt, but some of them are so damn sexy. . . . How come every time we fly, my owner's in business class and I'm in the cargo hold? . . . Those Airedale terriers walk around like their poop don't stink. Trust me, it does. . . . My Uncle Tuffy met Joe Garagiola once. . . .

I don't think I've ever barked up the wrong tree.

Friday: My grandpa ate Alpo and my pop had enriched Purina Dog Chow. I eat farm-raised duck with foie gras and liver pâté. . . . If Lassie's so smart, how come she was the only one on that show not getting residuals? . . . They think I'm sleeping, but I hear everything they say about me. . . . That gorgeous Shetland sheepdog wags her tail in my face every day, but I don't play that game. . . . Yo, big-time hedge fund manager: You go fetch. . . .

As far as I'm concerned, you're either a working dog or you're lazy.

Saturday: Memo to humans: Do you really believe we want the fat off your steak? It's bad for you; why wouldn't it be bad for us? . . . As a rule, poodles gossip more than any other breed. They could talk the coat off a black Lab. . . . I used to love those "Far Side" cartoons, but he's got no idea how dogs really think. . . . If it were up to me, I'd move to Korea and eat a Lhasa apso. . . .

In my dreams, my owner has to roll over and play dead.

Sunday: I want to win best-in-show and I think I can win best-in-show, but it's tough competing with a bunch of Great Danes on PEDs. . . . I'm lobbying week in and week out so that my puppies' puppies don't have to live with leash laws. . . . I don't think black cats are bad luck, I think all cats are bad luck. . . . Everyone here is full-bred -- unless you count some of the judges. . . . You want dog days, I'll give you dog days: I hated obedience training. . . .

The book on Chihuahuas? All bark, no bite.

Monday: You think figure skating and gymnastics judging is political? Welcome to my world, my friends. . . . People only see the glamour and glitz of us prancing in the ring -- they have no idea how long we have to sit around licking ourselves before show time. . . . Hey, PETA, why not redouble your anti-fur efforts and leave the fine folks here at Westminster alone? . . . When this baby's over, I've got a date with a T-bone. . . . A beagle won last year? A beagle? Yeah, like the fix wasn't in. . . .