Prying Loose From a Clingy Classmate

Q.It wasn't always easy for my daughter to make close friends but now she is a 14-year-old high school freshman who happily sits with her pals at lunchtime and socializes with them after school. However, another girl has latched onto her in a very clingy way, and she has become a frustrating nuisance.

Although other girls want to be friends with this child, she says that she doesn't like them and instead has written impassioned letters to my daughter about their "friendship" and how much she loves and values her, even though her affection is not reciprocated. She has even asked other girls about my daughter's schedule so she can walk with her from class to class. My child tries to be sympathetic because she knows how lonely school can get, and because she was friendly with this girl over the years and attended her birthday parties although they never socialized outside of school.

Since my daughter's body language hasn't chased her away, her friends insist that she tell this girl to sit somewhere else at lunch and to quit hanging around her.

Can my child get rid of this unwanted attention in a kinder, more respectful way?

A.Your daughter shouldn't be bullied into this or any relationship, but she must be polite when she backs out of it.

Some people think that courtesy is just a bunch of stuffy, pointless, old-fashioned rules, but that's not so. Good manners are more than the small rituals we use to save face, to soften hurt feelings and to feel better about ourselves. They are the glue that holds relationships together and eases the pain when they break apart. And all of them are based on kindness and respect more than anything else, which is why manners matter so much.

You can help your daughter best if you can get her to think about her classmate's feelings, as well as her own. If she were to be mean or thoughtless, or to gossip about the girl, she might bring much pain to her and this could haunt both of them for years to come.

Begin by asking your daughter why she thinks the other child acts the way she does. Is she just a lonely schoolgirl, like she used to be? Or is she clingy because she gets so little affection at home? Could she have Asperger's, a rather common condition that causes a child to read social cues poorly? Or does she write those impassioned letters because she is emotionally or sexually attracted to your daughter? These crushes can happen, although they usually don't last long or happen often.

Whatever the cause of the other girl's neediness, your daughter must treat her with understanding and discretion, and she must draw firm boundaries, too.

If your daughter thinks the girl is lonely or longing for affection, she should help her find more congenial friends and perhaps get her into some clubs at school. If she thinks the other girl might have Asperger's or some other problem that affects her behavior, your daughter should try to accept her limitations, but she shouldn't pretend to like her unless she really means it, for friendship should never be false. If, however, she thinks that this girl is being overly familiar, she should tell her so, but since this will be a difficult conversation, she might try other tactics first.

Ask your daughter to make eye contact less often; to look into the middle distance when she doesn't want to talk with her; to say a quick "hi" and nothing else when they meet in the hallway and to limit longer talks to the weather and the time it takes to get to school. Boring conversations usually dampen a friendship quicker than anything else.

If this doesn't work, ask your daughter to meet privately with this girl and tell her that she likes her but not as a close friend; that her letters and attentions are embarrassing and that she needs to back off. And if your daughter can't do that? You should say these things for her, but say them to the child's mother instead of the child, and of course, be as kind and respectful as possible and as positive about her daughter as you can be.

This conversation will hurt, whoever does the talking, but it will teach your daughter that she can be candid and still be kind, which is a lesson that will last her whole life.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.