Unpeaceful Slumber: When Children Share Their Parents' Bed

Q.How can my son and daughter-in-law get their 9-year-old to sleep in his own room and his own bed?

In earlier years, they let him sleep with them when he was nursing or sick, as they had let his 11-year-old brother, and when the boys got older, they let them climb into their bed because they thought it was so cuddly. These boys still come in, however, night after night, sick or well, and now the younger one says he had a bad dream about a bear and won't sleep in his room unless his father sleeps with him. I don't think my son and his wife ever get enough sleep.

The parents have tried to get the boys to sleep in their own beds many times, in many ways, but nothing has worked, especially with the younger boy, who fabricates stories in the daytime as well as the night. This boy is very intelligent, has lots of friends and many play dates, and does well at school (although he did have some trouble last year).

I don't understand why a 9-year-old would sleep with his parents. Surely, there must be a way to stop it.

A.Some parents have always let their babies sleep with them when they were sick or nursing, but many chose the family bed in the '70s, perhaps because parents were switching from double beds to queen- and king-size beds just as their babies were switching from cloth to leak-proof diapers. Somehow, it seemed mean to keep their children out of such a big bed, especially since they seldom wet anyone's bed anymore.

Other parents found themselves sleeping in a family bed because their children insisted on it, which has led to tears, a lot of lost sleep and perhaps delayed their development, too. When a child learns to fall asleep on his own, he takes a basic step toward independence, which gives him the gumption he needs to take sensible risks when he's grown and to live life to the fullest.

Your grandsons will learn to sleep in their own beds quicker if their parents ask themselves some key questions and perhaps make some key changes. Are the children getting at least an hour of vigorous exercise a day so they'll be tired enough to sleep? Are they watching an electronic screen within two hours of their bedtime, which can make the pixels jazz their brains? Are they drinking sodas with caffeine, which can stay in the system for up to 22 hours? Does their junk food have additives that could be keeping them awake?

Or does the 9-year-old climb into his parents' bed because his body hungers to be near someone else? If so, a dog or a cat might be a great help. A quiet bath, low lights and a warm glass of milk could help, too, and so could a massage with a loofah, using firm, downward strokes. A sensory seeker -- even a child who hates to be touched lightly -- feels better when deep pressure is applied, which is why your grandson might like to use a sleeping bag or have firm pillows banked along one side of his bed.

Or perhaps he is anxious, which makes him fabricate stories in the daytime and dream about his problems at night. When he can't solve them -- and his dad won't chase that bear out of the house -- he turns into a scared little boy who needs a talisman to wear around his neck, a flashlight to see into dark corners and a pad by his bed, where he can write his dreams.

Whatever the underlying cause of the boys' poor sleeping habits, the parents should be able to teach them to sleep in their own beds in a couple of weeks, but only if they are persistent, consistent, resolved and willing to say, "Enough is enough."

They should walk the boys silently and immediately back to their own beds -- or to their sleeping bags -- the minute they try to climb into the parents' bed, and they might have to do this four or five times a night. If the parents stick to this drill, and if they don't talk with the children at all in these interludes, the boys should wake up less often after the first couple of nights and should sleep through the night in a week or two.

Don't give this advice, however, unless the parents specifically ask for it. Grandparents have the right to love and hug their children and their children's spouses, but they don't have the right to tell them what to do.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.