Phoning It In

Grocery store edition

(Eric Shansby)

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By by Gene Weingarten

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Today, we present another installment in my continuing, Pulitzer Prize-winning coverage of the plight of the beleaguered customer service representative.

Smucker's Toppings

Me: You know how your ad campaigns say, "With a name like Smucker's, it has to be good"?

Susan: Uh-huh.

Me: There's a problem with it. The continued fine quality of your product over all these years has made that slogan meaningless. "Smucker's" doesn't sound bad to people anymore. It's just like, after a while, no one noticed that Humphrey Bogart's name sounded stupid. My point is, you need to reclaim your brand identity as a name so bad the product needs to overcome it.

Susan: Okay.

Me: I suggest you change your name to "Osama's Own."

Susan: I will forward that idea to marketing.

Stella Artois

Me: Your product tastes great, but after drinking 12 or 13 of them, I find it is indistinguishable from Pabst or Miller Lite, which cost a lot less. I feel cheated.

Steve: First and foremost, we advocate responsible drinking.

Me: I know! It says that on the bottle: "Always enjoy responsibly"! But how is the consumer supposed to know how much that is? I have a suggestion.

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