Words of Wisdom For the Nation's Bowler-in-Chief

To: President Obama

From: Couch Slouch

Re: White House bowling lanes

Last year you mentioned that you might replace the bowling alley in the White House with a basketball court. Now, I don't want to alarm you in your first month or so in office, but this would be an impeachable offense.

Bowling cuts across all economic, racial, ethnic, religious and gender lines. It embodies the spirit of your bring-everyone-in-under-the-tent beliefs. With every ball, you can hit the pocket or find the gutter -- if that's not a metaphor for America, what is?

And if you're dying to play basketball between cabinet meetings, just install Pop-a-Shot in the West Wing. Better yet, put one in the bedroom -- it beats watching Jimmy Kimmel or talking to the wife before retiring for the night.

Anyway, I saw the YouTube clip of you bowling a 37 over seven frames last March in Altoona, Pa. You looked about as comfortable as a Jehovah's Witness in a Jacuzzi. Who goes bowling in a coat and tie? Did you rent wing-tipped bowling shoes?

You didn't look like you were about to roll a bowling ball, you looked like you were about to change a baby's diapers. Your release point was all wrong. You were playing the wrong board. You're the leader of the free world -- bowl like it, buddy!

And, hey, I know you're a busy man, but you couldn't find the time to bowl an entire game? Seven frames? That's like going to the opera and leaving before the fat lady sings.

(By the way, Mr. President, let's talk cards for a moment. The government's got a deficit, no? Well, Internet poker is a cash cow that you should exploit: Legalize it, regulate it and levy it. Heck, you love playing poker -- it's your duty as the nation's check-raiser-in-chief to open up this revenue stream and add big chips to the public's coffers. Shuffle up and tax!)

(P.S. on poker: Besides the fact you shouldn't play too much of it online -- it's dangerously addictive; just imagine Bill Clinton's White House years if he had been playing no-limit Texas hold 'em under the handle "slickwillie" -- can you make sure it's legit? With government regulation should come government safeguards to prevent software schemes and shenanigans that are inevitable with that much money on the virtual table.)

Alas, you underestimate bowling, because you are ignorant of the game's nuanced charms.