Modify Your Behavior to Improve Your Child's

Q.I am writing to you after a very bad night with my strong-willed daughter, who's nearly 4.

I am a loving mother, adore my children and try to give them the world, but I am a strict parent. I don't put up with much bad behavior because I want them to be good and respectful.

However, we have to repeat an order four or five times before my daughter complies, and even then I have to threaten her with a spanking. (Oh, yes: I do spank, maybe too often, but that is the only way to get anything accomplished when timeouts don't correct the problem.)

My daughter runs away when I threaten to spank her and begs me not to do it and I often do let go of it, but tonight was a nightmare! She started talking back to me at bedtime, shaking her head at me and whining about everything. I asked her, again and again, to stop and lie down but she screamed and kicked, and when I tried to leave the room she cried hysterically and said, "Come back," that she had something else to tell me!

When I went to her, she said that she wouldn't do that again. I reminded her that she was making bad choices and wasn't behaving right, and she started whining again. I stood outside of her room, listening, and she screamed for me and shouted, "Bad, bad, bad. You are bad!"

When I ran to her bed, she knew she was in trouble and began to cry and whine again. I covered her mouth and told her to stop, but this crazy situation was repeated two more times. I never saw my daughter act like this before and I don't know what to do! Sometimes I think that I may be too strict, but when I see how other children act, I say, "My way is better."

A.Actually, your way is not better, not at all.

Heavy discipline, of any kind, upsets a child deeply, and if it escalates -- as punishments often do -- there may be grave consequences. Even without these consequences, your stern corrections could devastate your daughter, for she is young and vulnerable and you are a goddess to her.

If you spank your child, criticize or yell at her too much, give her too many timeouts or smother her angry words before they can leave her mouth, you may smother her soul as well.

Although even an experienced mother might give a couple of light swats to her child's bottom if the child has run in the street or played with matches, that's usually all the spanking that any parent should do. You also shouldn't try to correct more than one problem a week -- rather than all of them at once -- because the less you fuss, the more effective you'll be. Above all, you should treat your child with kindness and respect, even when you're mad at her, because the best discipline is born of love and encouragement, not threats and punishments. But if you do go too far, or say something that's too harsh, always apologize afterward, even if you have to wake her up in the night.

You should also set clear boundaries. Let them be narrow or wide but always firm, expanding them only because your child has become more mature, not because she's begging for more liberties. She can't negotiate if you don't engage.

You'll still have to give some corrections to your daughter every day, of course, because there is so much she doesn't know, but correct her in private and drop the subject after five minutes. That's long enough. You also can cut down on your nagging if you ask your child to tell you when she has finished doing a chore, so you won't have to tell her to do the job again and again. And if you keep using the timeout chair, use it just once or twice a week so it doesn't lose its effectiveness.

Your daughter should start behaving much better in two or three weeks if you modify your own behavior, but it will be easier to do that if you go to some parenting classes, so you'll know more about little children and how they behave at each age. You also should call Parents Anonymous at 909-621-6184 to find the location of a free PA meeting near you. Here you'll learn many tricks to put more joy into motherhood -- like giving yourself a 10-minute respite alone in your own room, rather than giving another timeout to your child.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.