Stop the Boy From Falling Into a Wail

Q.My 8-year-old son has always been negative and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

At home, he whines, complains and cries and has little fits at the drop of a hat. He flops on the floor and weeps at the slightest teasing from his little brother, and he talks in a low, moaning tone of voice. He'll also sit in front of his homework for hours, whining all the while about how impossible it is, but if I try to help him, he'll shake his head and cry: "No helping! Against the rules!"

His pediatrician has ruled out a medical problem, since he doesn't act like this at school, but I'm tired of his negativity at home and I'm tired of what it is doing to our family. My husband and I deal with him differently, and we just can't seem to get on the same page, especially since my husband's page frequently involves spanking and I have a problem with that. Please help us. Our entire family feels broken, all because of our 8-year-old and his moods.

A.Some children are a little more negative than others because of their temperament or their allergies or the stress in their home, but your son's negativity is extreme; it's casting a pall over everyone else -- and it shouldn't be tolerated.

As painful as it is to consider, you and your husband are just as responsible for his behavior as he is, for you notice his moans and groans so much. And if a child gets more attention from his parents when he misbehaves than he gets when he behaves, he's going to misbehave. Your son won't stop all this caterwauling until you start giving him a lot of positive attention when he's good and no attention at all when he's not.

But first, you and his dad should leave your younger child with a sitter while you take your 8-year-old out for a special treat and a warm, kind and candid talk. Tell him that you know he wants to quit whining, wailing and talking in a low voice, but since fussing and spanking haven't helped him, you're going to try something new. This time you'll ask him to work on just one behavior problem at a time, so he can focus on it with a laserlike intensity, and that this should make it go away in seven to 10 days. He will, of course, slip up many times during this week, and he will also revert to some behavior that you thought he had overcome the week before. When these things happen, tell him that you will immediately send him to wipe down the bathroom tiles, straighten out the tool bench or just sit in another room by himself until he can be cheerful. When he does come back, give him plenty of attention and affection and congratulate him for having such a big and friendly smile.

You can also make his nightly homework angst go away if you start ignoring it. Just ask the teacher how long his homework should take each night, then put him alone in a room with a good light, a couple of sharp pencils and a timer, set to the number of minutes he needs. When the bell rings, go in, check over his work, give him 10 more minutes to correct any errors you've noticed and then tell him when his time is up, whether he's finished or not. He'll pitch a fit, but if you haven't responded to his pathetic complaints, and if you take a firm but pleasant stance, he should learn to finish his homework in the prescribed time within a week or so. If he still can't finish, however, ask the school to have him tested to see if he has a learning disability or attention-deficit disorder, which often becomes obvious in the third grade.

You also should ask your younger child to quit teasing his big brother while he's trying so hard to change his behavior. If he teases him anyway, send him out of the room. Or send both boys to different rooms, so neither one gets any attention from you or his dad.

This regimen should work in about six weeks, but if your son is still a weeper and a wailer, you and your husband should enroll in a parenting class to help you teach your son that every action, and every inaction, has a consequence and that some of them are better than others. That's the only way he'll learn to discipline himself.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.