Help for Frazzled Parents

Q.I have some real concerns about my two little granddaughters -- a baby, who's 3 months old, and a beautiful and bright 4-year-old.

My son works long hours and comes home to eat and sleep, and his girlfriend keeps house and tries to take care of their little ones. I don't want to be a complaining grandmother, but I can't help worrying because the parents don't read or play with their children enough; the mother smokes around them and she lets them watch too much TV.

I would like to help them, but in what way? Since they can't afford child care, should I take the kids on weekends to give the mom a break? Should I help out financially where I can? What should I do?

A.These parents need your help, but give it with care. If you offer to do more than you can handle, you'll resent it, and if you give them your advice, as well as your help, they'll resent it even more.

Your son and his girlfriend have the right to rear their children in their own style, even if they smoke around the children or have the TV running all day. In time, the mom might quit smoking and cut back on television, but let that be her decision, not yours. Right now she needs you to concentrate on the things that she does well and to ignore the rest. Young parents need encouragement more than anything else.

This is particularly important in the early years when money is tight; the father is often overwhelmed by his new responsibilities; and the mother is overcome by all the lessons she must learn.

Before their first child was born, this mom probably thought she knew who she was, what kind of clothes she should wear and how she should talk to strangers at a party. After two children, however, her body might be bigger than it used to be; her clothes may smell of spit-up instead of Chanel; and when she goes to parties, she can't always finish the sentences she starts because she's been living with a 4-year-old who interrupts her all day long, as children usually do.

These are the things that can turn the smartest, most informed and desirable woman into a frazzled mother who has little time to read or to care for herself, so that's where your help should begin. Perhaps you could surprise her with a different treat every few weeks. It might be a facial or a massage if you're feeling flush; a manicure or a pedicure; a gift card from Victoria's Secret or a pre-paid meal at a restaurant. She can indulge in these treats during the week, if you pay for the sitter, or on the weekend, if you babysit the children at your house (maybe for the night, too). This will give their parents a chance to go out and have fun.

It will also give you and the children enough time to borrow a few children's books from the library so you can read to them, but send one book home each week and keep a copy of the same book. You then can call the 4-year-old every day and read the story aloud while she looks at the pictures.

You might send the children home with some food, too, such as a batch of spaghetti sauce, a week's supply of salad dressing or a few small bags of cooked and frozen rice, so their mom can microwave a bag when it's needed. These shortcuts help young mothers tremendously.

If you and your 4-year-old granddaughter do a little baking, the children can take a cake home, too, but make it from scratch so she can see how the ingredients are measured. If she pours them into a bowl, cracks the eggs for you to whip, spoons some of the batter into the pans that you've buttered and sifts confectioner's sugar on top of the cake when it's done, you can even say that she made the cake and that she learned a little bit about arithmetic, too.

These are the kind of activities you'll find in "MegaSkills for Babies, Toddlers and Beyond" by Dorothy Rich and Beverly Mattox (Source Books; $15), which your son and his girlfriend will want to have and to use, once they see how much more fun children have when they do real work than when they play with their plastic toys -- and how much more they learn.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.