There's Something Terribly Rude About Texting on a PDA During Conversation
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Oh, no! He's fading fast! Eyes drifting downward. Responses becoming monosyllabic. No! No, buddy! Pay attention! Did you hear the one about the foreclosed psychic? She was re-possessed. Ha, ha! Just stop that incessant thumb-typing, and give this exchange a chance!
Too late. The conversation is dead. It expired the moment the BlackBerry first vibrated. Now all that you, the former half of two communicating people, can do is awkwardly stand there and deal with the fact that you are less engaging than a five-ounce piece of plastic. It's maddening -- or maybe it's just a simple question of etiquette: What is the appropriate course of action when you have been abandoned for a Personal Digital Assistant?
"It's a very anxious moment for me," says Michael-Levon Warren, a designer in Southwest Washington, who has been dropped for many an e-mail or text message. After a while, "I start to think, maybe I shouldn't be standing here. But then I have to keep standing there because I didn't walk away to begin with."
Should you stay, or should you go?
Should you cool it, or should you, perhaps, blow?
Even trained professionals struggle with this question. Jodi Smith, the founder of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting in Salem, Mass., describes a recent lunch with one pal who began texting four times in a 20-minute span.
Smith pointedly turned off her own cellphone. She explained that she'd been looking forward to uninterrupted conversation. "But it was like a Pavlovian response. It was almost as if she was drooling" whenever the phone buzzed. Finally, Smith got up and moved to another table. When the friend came looking for her, full of promises and apologies, Smith was skeptical. "Are you really done?" she asked. "You don't have to be a pity friend."
How offended we get. How we question our own self-worth.
"The first step is Confusion," says Pamela Eyring. As the director of the Protocol School of Washington, Eyring has spent some time thinking about what she dubs the four stages of BlackBerry abandonment.
In the Confusion stage, the abandoned conversationalists are simply bewildered, Eyring says: "Why is this happening to me? Why aren't they listening? Then after that is the Uncomfortable Phase." After discomfort comes Irritation, and then, if the texting continues, Outrage. "That's when you put up your defenses, and your facial expressions change. You lean back, and you just stare.
"It's happening in business," Eyring says gravely. "It's happening in families."
(At least in metropolitan America, it's happening. In the reporting of this story only one interviewee had never been abandoned for a communication device. He was, he apologetically explained, a Canadian tourist. He thought the whole concept sounded very rude.)