Learning the Rules of Life While Sitting on the Bench

Q. I've never known what to say to my sons when they've made the team at school and then had to sit on the bench.

My older son, who was a fairly competitive baseball player in high school, was allowed to play for only a short while and sometimes not at all while his more competitive teammates -- and those with the most vocal parents -- played the whole time.

My older son took it all in stride, but it made me so upset and angry that I felt no joy when I went to his games. Now my younger son, who is a fairly competitive basketball player, is getting the same treatment. We just returned from a game at his middle school where he was the only player who didn't play at all.

I can't understand these coaches. Were they never young boys themselves? Is winning the only thing that matters these days? What message is the coach sending when he puts a child on a team and then doesn't let him play? It didn't bother my older son, but my younger son says he doesn't want to go to school tomorrow because the kids will tease him for sitting on the bench.

How can I help him? And what do I say to him after a game when all he did was to sit on the bench?

A.Relax, please. Basketball may mean the world to your son, but you shouldn't commiserate too much or ever say, "Poor you!"

It's enough to talk with him about the game, whether he warmed the bench or not, and to notice the great shot that was made by someone on his team -- or on the other team. And he'll want to explain some of the moves that were made, to tell you about a rule you never heard of. Of course, listen to his complaints, because that's what a parent is for.

It also might help your son to know that neighborhood teams are different from school teams because they are often geared to younger children and have many fairness rules. One may call for a team to be small enough for every player to be in the game at least half of the time; another one may ensure that every player gets in the game before anyone can be benched a second time.

Middle school teams are usually much more competitive, however, and so are the boys and girls who go to middle schools. By now they've found that competition not only makes it more fun to be on a team and more fun when they win but it also sharpens their interests, their abilities and their talents better than anything else.

You might suggest to your son that he ask his coach for specific exercises that would make him a better player. If he tries to do them regularly, and the coach still won't let him play much, he'll probably decide whether he loves basketball enough to sit on the bench or whether it's time to quit. And if he does quit, he may ask the coach if he could videotape the games or write about them for his school paper, just to stay in touch with his team, or he may choose another activity that has nothing to do with sports.

These are all personal decisions and your son is the only one who should make them. If you try to make them for him, he won't develop the tough psychological skin he needs to deal with the setbacks of life when he grows up.

Have faith in your son's judgment and hope for the best. Some of his choices will be good; some will not, but each mistake will teach him to make a better choice next time.

To lessen your son's basketball troubles, give him a copy of the fine new novel "Stepping Up" by Mark Fink (WestSide, $17), about an average 14-year-old basketball player. And to feel a bit better about your son's time courtside, read "Until It Hurts" by Mark Hyman (Beacon, $24), about the problems that have occurred when adults got too involved in the sports of their children.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.