Mom's at Split Ends for Dealing With Toddler's Hair-Raising Antics

Q. Sadly, I now dread spending time with my 15-month-old daughter because she takes such delight in pulling my hair, and also the hair of our shaggy, mustachioed (and, thankfully, gentle) dog.

At first she behaves but then a devilish look crosses her face; she twines my hair or the dog's fur between her fingers and her stroking turns into a yank. It seems to encourage her to pull it again if I say, "Ouch," so instead I say, "No. We don't pull hair. That hurts" and put her on the floor. She usually cries to be picked up again, which I do after a few seconds, but the cycle soon repeats.

Her day-care teachers have also caught her lunging for other children with gritted teeth and a glint in her eye, but they simply direct her toward some other activity. We pick her up and move her to her toys, too -- especially when she goes after the dog -- but mostly we just encourage him to flee.

I know I'm the grown-up here and pulling my daughter's hair would only teach her to solve problems with force, but I'm getting more frazzled by the day. My husband is lucky to be bald, but I'm not. Is there some secret tactic I can use, other than shaving my head?

A.You can't expect a toddler to think or act like you do or to know as much, and it will be years before she does.

Some of that learning is occurring right now, as your little girl begins to test herself -- and you -- every day, in every way. And this is as it should be, for she is starting to cross that great developmental chasm between babyhood and toddlerhood. If she doesn't start testing herself now, she won't grow up to be as independent as nature wants her to be.

Like it or not, these tests will probably escalate about every three months or so until she's around 30 months old. This may leave you in some despair unless you realize that most of her shenanigans are pretty funny and those that aren't can usually be stopped if you remove her from temptation in time. All it takes to rear a toddler is a sense of humor, an understanding of the age and a great deal of preventive discipline.

The hair-pulling trick is a good place to start. Your little girl has no idea that it hurts when she pulls someone's hair, simply because no one has ever pulled her hair, but you can teach her if you simply wrap her hand around a clump of her hair and help her tug it just enough to find out how it feels. She'll drop this trick after she has had to pull her hair a few times, but she's sure to do other things that bother you at least as much.

You can avoid some of them by putting your wastebaskets and magazines out of reach in the daytime; packing your books tightly on your bookshelves so she can't pull them out, and putting your breakables out of reach for a few years, when she can control her impulses a little better. It's much easier -- and kinder -- to let a situation say no for you than to keep saying no to your child. Either way, she'll learn what she should and shouldn't do, and at about the same time.

You can keep her out of even more trouble if you keep some of her playthings in every room so she has something to keep her busy when she follows you around the house. She'll like a basket of books in the living room, more books and some stuffed animals in your room, a sifter in the kitchen and some wooden spoons to bang on the pots and maybe a little table and chairs in the dining room, so she can invite her teddy bears to tea. Your child takes her jobs just as seriously as you take your jobs, but if you don't give her enough to do, she'll do more and more things you don't like.

She will still get into some mischief -- even if you divert her when she's about to get into trouble or entertain her before she gets bored. Do your fussing in private, make it brief and business-like and don't mention it again. Your child will remember what you say because you and her dad are more important to her than anyone else; and in time she will do what you say, because she loves you more than she loves anyone else.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.