Therapy Can Help a Blended Family Deal With ADHD

Q.I'm lost. I'm out of ideas, out of patience and almost out of my head.

After 10 years of marriage, I had an affair with a family friend, a married man. Both families imploded, divorced and endured custody battles. I got pregnant a year later and we married, for we were in love and thought we were soul mates.

Today our blended family includes my two children, 16 and 13; our daughter, now 7, and his 13-year-old son, who is with us every other weekend. This boy has always been difficult: seldom invited on play dates or to birthday parties; kicked out of two preschools and a private elementary school. He had ADHD diagnosed at 7. His parents chose medication, instead of changing his environment, his behavior or their parenting style, and they've paid no attention to my thoughts or suggestions, or to books, Web sites or articles. Instead, his mother makes excuses for him, does his homework and won't hold him accountable for anything, for he is her only child and her sole focus, even though she has married again.

Although this boy can be a sweet child and a good playmate at times, his lying, out-of-control, impulsive and manipulative behavior has disrupted the lives of my three children. He has thrown rocks at one daughter's head, left bruises on another daughter's arms; sent malicious e-mails and text messages from their accounts; broken countless toys; destroyed electronic equipment and household items; stolen cash; and physically and verbally abused our 7-year-old, who -- surprise! -- has a diagnosis of anxiety. My children don't tell my husband about the boy's abuse anymore, however, because he sarcastically calls my children "perfect angels" or says they are tattletales -- so great is his guilt.

I don't know how to help them deal with this ADHD child or how to deal with him myself. He does see a child psychologist and his father and I have also seen her occasionally, but I don't think she sees the bigger picture. My husband won't send him to the play therapist that I found for our 7-year-old, partly because his ex has nailed him to the financial wall.

When we try to talk about his son, he tells me that we would see that his "poor, maligned boy" is really a wonderful kid, if only we were more understanding and more tolerant and I were a better, kinder, more forgiving stepmother. But all of my patience, kindness, forbearance and compassion have been used up. I've had it.

These issues will soon end our marriage if we can't learn how to talk about his son. Although another divorce would be terrible for the children, our present situation isn't much better.

A.It's time to adjust your expectations.

You can't walk off with another woman's husband and then expect her to listen to your child-rearing advice. You can't expect a youngster to lose his father's company most of the time without losing most of his cool -- especially if he has ADHD -- and you can't expect play therapy to help a 13-year-old, just because it's helping a much younger child.

You, the boy and his dad need family therapy and a lot of it. Otherwise your whole family might be smothered in anger and resentment for the rest of your lives, whether you stay married or not.

Look for a therapist who is experienced, who understands the effects of hyperactivity and divorce on the family, and who knows how to referee confrontations. He may ask to see all of you together occasionally and sometimes he may spend the whole session with just one of you -- even your husband's first wife -- but most weeks he will work with you and your husband, often accompanied by his son and occasionally by the other children.

Family therapy will be painful, as good therapy always is, and it will take at least a year, but it should teach all of you to listen to one another better and to accept one another. This will relieve much of the stress at home so you and your husband can restore the marriage that once meant so much to you.

Marriage, you see, is never stagnant. In fact, it can sometimes get so tense, so boring or so busy that love seems to shrivel, but it can also grow and thrive and be better than it ever was if you have the grit to work through your problems. Please try.

You owe it to your children, as well as to yourselves. You and your husband have given four hostages to fortune and you can't just walk away when things go awry -- especially when one of them has special needs.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.