An Open Letter To President Obama From Wilhelm Ii, German Kaiser And King Of Prussia

AN OPEN LETTER TO PRESIDENT OBAMA FROM

WILHELM II, GERMAN KAISER AND KING OF PRUSSIA

(Translated from the German by David A. Fahrenthold)

DOORN, THE NETHERLANDS

Mr. President,

Gott im Himmel! Enough with the czars!

You've named 18 so far, according to something I read in Foreign Policy. That includes a border czar, a climate czar, an information technology czar and -- I don't think Thomas Jefferson grew enough hemp in his lifetime to dream up this one -- the "faith-based czar." Your car czar, Steve Rattner, was in the news last week, trying to keep Chrysler out of bankruptcy.

It took Russia 281 years to accumulate that many czars. Even with hemophilia, repeated assassinations and a level of inbreeding that would gag a Dalmatian breeder. You did it in less than 100 days.

And every one of them hurts. I think I speak for all passed-over Victorian despots when I say that.

Somehow, that fancypants with the jeweled-egg fetish got to be a synonym for innovative, efficient leadership. At minimum -- at minimum -- I thought my legacy would be the continued popularity of pomaded mustaches and shiny, spike-topped helmets. But it's just the bikers now. And I think they mean it ironically.