The Dilemmas of Being a Lenient Manager

Hello. My husband has run a small business of 20 employees for many years, almost all of whom are good friends -if not before being hired, then becoming so during the subsequent years. Because of the good-naturedness of his personality, these employees have taken advantage of his liberal and relaxed attitude, and take off work easily, gather around in lengthy social conversations throughout the day, and then show annoyance on the rare occasion he expresses irritation at their laxness. It is as if the nicer he is to them, the more they are apt to contribute less -- and the tougher he gets, the more fallout there is from his response. I have always marveled about how unappreciated he is as a boss, and wish sometimes they could realize what a real working situation with a tough boss would actually be like for them. I ask this with interest, because your article today makes me think you are suggesting that he needs to be even more reinforcing and inclusive than he already is... and which I think has led to this present situation. Your thoughts?

Being good-natured and nice is not incompatible with enforcing basic work rules. If you expect your employees to put in an honest day's work and consult you before taking leave, that does not make you an ogre or, for that matter, a bad friend. It makes you a responsible business owner.

Your husband's mistake has been to assume that those who work for him are just like him ¿ kind, considerate, and loath to take unfair advantage of a flexible work environment. The sad reality is very different. Taking a cue from your husband's relaxed management style, his employees have adopted the attitude of irreverent adolescents testing the boundaries of a permissive parent and rebelling against his occasional efforts to establish order.

This is not an uncommon predicament. Any manager will tell you that his or her ideal staff is self-sufficient, conscientious, and trustworthy. With only the lightest supervision, they can essentially manage themselves. Sometimes, you will stumble upon employees like this by blind luck. More often, managers who are able to take a hands-off approach have invested a great deal of effort at the start of the employment relationship training, mentoring, and establishing clear performance and conduct guidelines.

It is not too late for your husband to develop a staff that he can trust to function as responsible adults. Since he has befriended his employees and allowed them to have their way for so long, however, he should anticipate significant resistance to his new approach. Yet, unless and until your husband's employees can demonstrate that they can handle the freedom that he is inclined to give them, your husband must set unambiguous ground rules and be consistent in their enforcement. He can start by acknowledging that he is to blame for not having clarified his expectations earlier on, but he should also express his personal disappointment at the opportunistic behavior of his employees.

Your husband should also have an honest talk with his more recalcitrant pals about whether they are prepared to put aside their disagreements and defer to him as a supervisor. If the bonds of friendship continue to clash with the needs of your husband's business, he will need to evaluate whether some of these workers belong on the payroll. He will lose some friends in the process, but he will also earn the respect of others.

As a general rule, it is a bad idea for supervisors to become overly friendly with their employees. Even as you demonstrate genuine caring, you must preserve some professional distance. Otherwise, you will risk insubordination and the appearance of impropriety. I know that the small business context makes it much harder to avoid such risky emotional closeness. Yet, your husband should endeavor to set appropriate boundaries in his workplace relationships so that he does not compromise his capacity to be the boss when he needs to. He should shift his focus from winning the love of his employees to managing a successful business.

Lily Garcia has offered employment law and human resources advice to companies of all sizes for more than 10 years. To submit a question, e-mail HRadvice@washingtonpost.com. We reserve the right to edit submitted questions for length and clarity and cannot guarantee that all questions will be answered.