'Miller Girls' Linked by Friendship, And a Man

Patty Miller cried last year when she learned that Gail Miller, her friend of more than 25 years, was in the hospital. She called Gail's daughter several times a day for updates. Once Gail got home, Patty offered to straighten up Gail's new apartment, even though by then she had her own medical issues.

"I really knew in my heart of hearts I couldn't be of much help, but I just wanted to be a support," said Patty, 66, a retired nurse.

The friendship that they forged over the decades grew out of a potentially awkward common bond: Patty is married to Jeff Miller, Gail's former husband.

"We call ourselves 'the Miller girls,' " said Patty, who lives in Alexandria.

They talk several times a week, and every year they get together with Jeff, the ex-husband/husband, and the rest of the family to share Mother's Day.

Gail and Jeff were married for five years and divorced in 1977. They have two daughters, Laura, 39, and Linda, 36. Jeff and Patty have been married for 32 years; they don't have children together.

At first there were the uneasy silences and forced smiles in an effort to make peace for the children. Slowly, after years of birthday parties, holidays, graduations, weddings and four grandchildren, the detente between Gail and Patty gave way to a closeness neither expected.

This year for Mother's Day, Gail, Patty, Jeff, Laura, Linda, Linda's husband, Martin Lowenfish, and their two children got together Friday night for dinner after attending an art show for Luke Lowenfish, 5, the family's first grandchild and a student at Phoebe Hearst Elementary in Northwest.

Linda, the younger daughter, said the relationship felt so ordinary growing up that she couldn't understand why other divorced parents couldn't get along as her mom and stepmom did. But it still surprised her last year, when her mother was sick, to see the depths of the bond.

"Sometimes my sister and I would say to each other, 'Is this really happening? Who would believe that your ex-husband's wife was going to come over and help you do laundry -- when she had trouble getting around?' " Linda said.

It might have once been unthinkable, but these mom-stepmom gal pals are in growing company. Tonya Butler-Truesdale, 44, of Northwest and a single parent of a 6-year-old boy, said she makes sure each year that her son buys a present for his stepmother and then takes him to deliver it in person on Mother's Day.

"I want my son to have good etiquette and to be thoughtful in this way," said Butler-Truesdale. "If you love your child, the pettiness of rivalries that exists between women -- there's no place for it. It's not in your parenting role."