It's a Fool's Errand to Try to Correct an Egoistic Boss

Help. My boss is a bully. He controls through anger. He has had a revolving door of admins, and the only reason I've lasted so long is because I know to keep my mouth shut. Another woman here can say the same about him (and has, to me). All the others have left, some after mere months. He requests a critique/feedback each year during my review (and this other woman's review). He wants to know how he is doing. Telling him he has anger issues is a non-starter, he would retaliate (even if under the radar -- i.e. why is that big bad project in my lap now? Because he is mad). What to say? I seriously think a case could be made re: hostile work environment/discrimination against women. But, if you always give him a free pass when he asks each year, then you are stuck, right? I am petrified to tell him he needs counseling, or anything that isn't 100 percent glowing.

I don't think that you should worry yourself very much about the precise wording of the feedback you provide your boss. In reality, you have but two distinct choices: either keep him happy by telling him what he wants to hear, or bear the brunt of his anger. Giving him anything other than a glowing appraisal will be perceived by him as condemnation, so there is not much of a point in trying to diplomatically show him the error of his ways. You work for a narcissist who will feel deeply threatened by any feedback that challenges his fragile ego.

Do not delude yourself into believing that you might have some influence over your boss' behavior if only you can find a flawlessly tactful way of letting him know that he needs to work on anger management. It is a fool's errand for you to try to help him. He will not be motivated to make a change in his demeanor merely because it hurts or offends you. It will take something truly dramatic like the loss of his job or social status to make your boss appreciate that he might have a problem. Yet, even in the face of significant outward pressure, people like him sometimes still manage to find a way to blame others for their shortcomings.

Because the shockingly high turnover among administrative aides reporting to your boss has gone unaddressed, I gather that he enjoys relative immunity from discipline because of his seniority in the organization and/or his value to the bottom line. Even if they do not consciously recognize it, the leaders of your organization may have calculated that it is better to forgive a bit of antisocial behavior rather than offend your high-performing boss. Yet, I have seen many seemingly untouchable executives finally get what they deserve because one or two employees found the courage to speak out against abusive treatment.

Short of joining the long list of people who have quit the job you are in, your only viable options are to either keep the peace by flattering your boss or let the leaders of your organization know what is going on.

Being a bully is not illegal. Being a bully who targets women, in particular, for hateful and vindictive behavior is another story. I cannot tell you whether your boss' conduct necessarily rises to the level of what would constitute illegal harassment. But I can assure you that you have not waived your right to object to his maltreatment merely because you have previously indulged his desire to receive praise for his management style.

Lily Garcia has offered employment law and human resources advice to companies of all sizes for more than 10 years. To submit a question, e-mail HRadvice@washingtonpost.com. We reserve the right to edit submitted questions for length and clarity and cannot guarantee that all questions will be answered.