Getting a Grip Before Flying Off the Handle

Q.My husband and I changed our work schedules four years ago, when our only child was born, so that one of us could care for her four days a week and my mother could watch her on the fifth day.

Today she is a happy, sensitive, sweet and inquisitive little girl, but sometimes my husband -- a caring and gentle father -- loses his patience or gets upset about something. He raises his voice and often speaks in absolutes, saying "You never" or "You always," and if he's mad at me he often brings up past issues or belittles me. Although he usually has a good reason for these outbursts, I don't know why he reacts so strongly and sometimes so suddenly.

I've asked him not to do this in front of our daughter, but when he forgets he says it's okay for her to hear him explode because that's just who he is. I think this behavior is immature and shows a lack of self-control, but I'm blessed with a strong spiritual life, so I don't argue with him in front of her. Instead, I let him talk; I try not to take these outbursts personally and I try to understand his anger, instead of defending myself.

However, I'm afraid that our sensitive 4-year-old might blame herself when he gets mad, even though I always call her aside and tell her that his anger isn't aimed at her; that some people simply express themselves that way; that adults aren't perfect and that her daddy and mommy love her very much.

What else can I do to help our daughter cope with her daddy's outbursts? I don't want them to hurt her but since we're dealing with humans, I know that some pain is inevitable. How can I help these experiences strengthen her?

A.No two people rear children in exactly the same way nor do they have exactly the same goals or values or desires, because parents are as unique as their children.

Every parent comes from a different gene pool and often from a different background and may also have different levels of intelligence and different temperaments. This leads many people to marry their opposites, so they can compensate for the attributes they think are missing in themselves.

Your husband may have been enthralled by your peaceful nature and felt it would be a calming influence on him, but now your complacency may annoy him more than you know, which could be the cause of his sudden explosions. They upset you, of course, but they may not bother your daughter nearly as much, especially if she sees you make up.

It's the way that he loses his temper, however, that is so bothersome. "You" messages -- such as "You never" or "You always" -- are negative; because there is no such thing as an absolute, and because they can turn a happy marriage into a contentious one.

Some therapists might suggest that you turn on a video camera or a tape recorder and then play it for your husband when he's calmed down, so he could see, or at least hear, how he looks and sounds when he pitches a fit, but this seems like a sneaky and invasive tactic that could cause even more trouble.

Instead, buy a copy of "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish ($16). First published in 1980, it is the only book this column has recommended at least 11 times. Its clear instructions may make it the best book on discipline ever written for parents, and it's pretty good for couples, too. It will show you and your husband how to get your points across with respect, whether you're talking to your child or to each other. It's the cartoon drawings, though, that will teach him how and why those "I" messages -- such as "I don't like you to pull on my shirt" -- are kinder and more effective than "You are such a pain!"

Once your husband sees the differences between these two approaches, you can expect him to start using "I" messages more often and to explode much less with your daughter -- and with you.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.