Her Difficult Sister Could Turn A Dream Vacation Into a Nightmare

Q .I'm a single mom who's been looking forward to, living for and saving up for a special vacation for a long, long time, and it's finally going to happen.

In three weeks, I will quit my stressful job and take my mother and my 7-year-old daughter to a villa I've rented in the South of France -- an experience that I'm giving to them with my whole heart.

But now my older sister, who was recently fired from her job, has decided to join us. She's unmarried, has no children and has never been easy to be with because she is ultra-sensitive, extremely negative and complains about everything, including her inability to eat dairy and bread, which is the last thing we want to hear about when we're in France. And to top it off, she brings up inappropriate subjects in front of my daughter, which we try to play down by saying, "Don't listen to your crazy aunt."

Lately, though, her problems have gotten worse, and she's begun to act like a 12-year-old thug in the body of a menopausal woman: an angry, immature bully with poor manners.

Since my sister has crying meltdowns when we push back on her for her negativity or her bullying, we can't tell her to stay home, and we sure can't drug her while we're there. So how can we make this holiday as pleasant as possible? How can we have a good time? I'm going to start my own business as soon as I get home, so I really need to enjoy my vacation.

A.Your sister is family, so her sad, bad behavior is your concern and, to some extent, your responsibility. You don't, however, have to placate her anymore.

Like all bullies, your sister needs limits, and you're the person who should set them, if only to teach your daughter to stand up to any bully, anywhere. If you don't show her the way, she will think that she should make nice to anyone who attacks her or who cries or complains when she objects.

Since you and your mother would rather cave in to your sister than confront her in person, the two of you should put your demands in writing, without apology or guilt. Simply tell her, in an honest, straightforward way, that she can't go on this trip unless she promises to be pleasant to everyone every day; to mind her manners around you and your mother; to speak appropriately around your daughter; and to keep her complaints to herself, even if a waiter serves a meal that includes some wheat or dairy. Her gluten intolerance won't bother her if she orders rice instead of pasta, and her lactose intolerance should be okay if she skips any foods with a creamy sauce or takes a lactase tablet to neutralize, or at least minimize, its effect.

You also should insist that your sister make appointments to see three board-certified doctors as soon as she gets back from France. First, she needs to see an internist to rule out hypoglycemia or other physical problems that might be causing her poor behavior, and then she should see an allergist to learn if certain foods or odors could be affecting her central nervous system. Finally, she should see a psychiatrist or neurologist for some talk therapy and perhaps medication, since this kind of specialist usually understands the brain better than most doctors.

Both you and your mom should sign this letter and include two extra copies for your sister to sign and send back to you before she gets on the plane. She will be indignant, but if you are pleasant and firm -- and if you refuse to argue with her -- she will probably accept your terms. When she backslides on the trip, however -- and she will from time to time -- you, your mother and your daughter should let her weep alone while you go out to have a little fun. A bully's behavior almost always improves as soon as her audience disappears -- especially if she wants to have some fun herself.

No matter how much better your sister behaves, your trip probably won't be as perfect as you had hoped, but it will be productive if you and your mom can learn to confront your sister in a calm, civilized way.

If not, you should read "The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander" by Barbara Coloroso (Collins Living, $15), which has just been updated and is better than ever. Although Coloroso's in-depth instructions were written for the parents and teachers of schoolchildren, they will teach you how to deal with grown-up bullies, too.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.