Losing a Pal to Cliques Is Par for the Preteen Course

Q.I know I'm biased, but my daughter, a fourth-grader, is such a great person -- kind, caring and very sweet and gentle -- and yet her friendships are changing, which really bothers me.

Her best friend -- since the age of 2! -- is no longer interested in doing anything with her unless she's the only game in town or unless we are doing something fun. I've also seen her be rude and condescending to my daughter in front of her "cooler" friends, who used to be friendly with my daughter, too. I suspect one of them is undermining all of these friendships, but whatever the reason, these girls have suddenly stopped calling her for play dates and sleepovers.

My daughter seems to be taking this situation in stride and has branched off and made a few other friends, but she isn't interested in them enough to invite them over, even though my husband and I have always gone overboard to make her friends feel welcome and at home at our house. And so far none of them has included her in any activities outside of school.

I've given my daughter plenty of chances to discuss the loss of her old friends with me, but she says it doesn't bother her. I don't see how that's possible, since the same thing happened to me at an older age, and I know how much it hurts.

Or maybe I'm the one that has the problem. Between my daughter's problem and my own perimenopausal state, I sometimes find myself depressed and crying about the friends she has lost, although never in front of her, of course. I've even managed to keep my opinion about her friend to myself, but I feel like a volcano that's ready to blow. How can I be there for my daughter, when my own experience is eating away at me?

A.Most young girls like to pal around in groups, but unfortunately, some of these groups turn into cliques, particularly in the second half of second grade, the second half of fifth grade and again in middle school, when they can reach bizarre heights and cause a great deal of sorrow to anyone who is excluded.

That apparently happened to you, but your child is not your emotional mirror, nor does her problem seem nearly as serious. It's true that she has lost her best friend -- at least for now -- and she's probably sad about that, but she seems to be dealing with it quite well and all by herself. Let this process continue. The young have their own kind of wisdom.

It's never easy to let go of a child, especially one as sweet and gentle as your daughter, but if she succeeds, she will gain the experience, and the nerve, to face and resolve bigger problems when she's grown.

If it turns out that that your daughter is more upset about the loss of her best friend than she seems to be, however, you could call the child's mother, tell her that there seems to be a problem between the two girls lately, and that you hope your child hasn't done anything to cause it. This would give her the chance to tell you that your daughter had somehow hurt her child's feelings or that someone had told her child that your daughter had maligned her, which would give you the chance to clear up the problem.

Whether these girls resume their friendship or not, you should help your child make other friends this summer by introducing yourself to new people in the neighborhood who have children around her age. The more friends she has, the easier it will be for her to move from one group to another at school.

Like all parents, you will still have to watch out for the cliques that spring up at any school if the principal and the teachers don't run a tight ship. To know what you can do to prevent them from forming in the elementary years, read "Mom, They're Teasing Me" by Michael Thompson and Lawrence J. Cohen, with Catherine O'Neill Grace (Ballantine, $14), and put aside a copy of "Cliques" by Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese (Broadway, $14). It will make handy reading when your daughter goes to middle school.

You also need to watch out for yourself so you can get through your perimenopausal years more easily. Consider yoga lessons to teach your body how to stretch, massages and acupuncture to soothe your nerves, and a visit to the gynecologist, too. Broken friendships won't upset you nearly as much if you're taking good care of yourself.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.